Hora Time

My son is having his Bar Mitzvah at Yankee Stadium- he can't wait to see his montage on the big screen.

My daughter had a professional photo shoot before the big day- there will be life-size posters of her hung all around the ballroom.

My daughter didn't want the big party, so we just hired limos for her and 15 of her friends and rented them a house in the Hamptons for the weekend. We had activities planned for them the entire weekend.

By age 11, your child has a Bar/Bat Mitzvah date. This important milestone in Judaism marks the bittersweet road from childhood to adulthood. By age 12, your child is learning to chant a Torah portion. You feel proud, and you start the party planning. You figure you better start making a list of the things you need to do and decisions you need to make to get ready to celebrate your child's accomplishment.

Your list likely includes, but is not limited to:

• Invitations- (Who to invite? Should I make an A list and a B list? What wording should I use? Is it really possible to spend that much on invitations? She wants to invite how many friends?)
• Calligrapher
• Hair Stylist
• Make-up artist
• Venue and caterer (as well as menu- so many choices!)
• Photographer and videographer
• Seating chart (decide whether or not you'll take "requests")
• Graphic Designer (for invitations and/or "branding your child")
• Entertainment and games
• Music (DJ? Band? An 11-piece band? Live performance by Flo Rida?)
• Cake
• Favors
• Event planner
• Exit favor
• Dresses and suits
• Flowers
• Centerpieces
• After-service Kiddush luncheon
• Thank you notes
• Security- (actually, this is a team you can hire to act as "babysitters" for the kids, although they often disguise themselves as dancers)
• Meeting after meeting with the calligrapher, florist, caterer, venue, baker, DJ/band leader, entertainers, graphic designer, hair stylist, makeup artist, etc.

How much should I expect to spend on a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party? Costs vary, of course. First, and most importantly, you need to come up with a budget you are comfortable with given your own family's circumstances. One Rabbi I spoke with said that there is nothing more upsetting to her than a family who doesn't plan well and ends up suffering financially as a consequence. An average venue with catering can run $20,000 or more for 175 people, but this does not include anything else on the above list; and these services can be pricey. Once you have your budget, you can begin making calls. Costs, as well as quality, have a wide range, so referrals from friends or colleagues and reading online reviews can help. One Scarsdale mom I spoke with cautioned against hiring the first person you meet with. "I met with one popular guy that people use to book their DJs and games. The whole time he was trying to figure out where my party was and who my friends were so he could 'size me up.' He sent me a quote," she continued, "and it was more than double all the other quotes I had gotten." She estimated the cost of a party to be between $20,000-$150,000 with the average in the middle. "And remember, everything can be negotiated," she added. Jacqueline Vazquez, an event planner and owner of Lifetime Events by Jacqueline, estimated that the average cost for a party in Westchester is around $50,000, but can go as high as $100,000 or more. "A modest luncheon could be had for $8,000."

What are popular venues for a party? Hotels, country clubs, and temples continue to be popular venues, but Life, The Place To Be in Ardsley and Chelsea Piers in Stamford are fun alternatives. Nightclubs or dance clubs are increasingly sought after venues. Ms. Vazquez said that the Net Jet Hanger at Westchester Airport is another interesting space people are using for parties, and there's also the CV Rich Mansion in White Plains. Destination Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are becoming more commonplace as well. Rabbi Andrea Frank, an independent Rabbi, said her favorite Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties were in people's backyards. "Often, people will have a tent and dance floor set up, the grill going, and a separate area for kids and adults, so everyone tends to have a great time," she said.

What are current trends in Bar and Bat Mitzvahs in Scarsdale? Christine Varbero from Caperberry Events provides event planning and on-site catering for the CV Rich Mansion. "The night club theme is very in right now," she said. "Also, fun things with food, like candy bars and themed food stations." The most elaborate party she saw was when a family had the mansion transformed into a carnival with stilt walkers, rides, and real carnival games. "Kid branding" is very in right now. For example, a girl by the name of Dawn David (fictitious) might have her initials (DD) branded to look like the Dunkin' Donuts logo. And after the branding is complete, prizes, favors, decorations, and cakes often contain the logo. The branded decorations alone can cost thousands of dollars. The Scarsdale mom I spoke with exclaimed, "The amount of other-kid-branded sweatshirts my kids have is insane!" Ms. Vazquez added, "The top tier trends are high tech- intelligent lighting, gobos with fun patterns, live event cams, virtual reality games, and laser tag games. Colors are still popular, and traditional themes are still used such as sports and hobbies."

Most importantly, how do parents keep the true meaning of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in the day? The Scarsdale mom I spoke with does think that the day gets lost on many Bar/Bat Mitzvah children. "They're only 13, and the families must take responsibility to see that the meaning of the day is significant to the child beyond how tall the cake is." She has increasingly seen girls registering at a specific jewelry store in Scarsdale. She prefers to gift money- she feels that at least that may go toward paying for college. More concerning is seeing the day get lost on the parents. The planning is exhausting, but one must keep in mind that it's a short party, and just a party at that- for a 13-year-old. Unfortunately, people still tend to talk about how great the party was (or not) instead of how wonderful a job a child did with his or her Torah portion. Many synagogues now require students to do service projects as part of their Bar/Bat Mitzvah training, but why wait until then to teach your child the lesson of service to others and the gratification that (hopefully) comes along with it? And why leave it up to the synagogue to teach that instead of the parents? From Bronx River cleanups to volunteering with the Junior League of Central Westchester to donating used books and toys to other children, there are plenty of opportunities to teach even the youngest of children the gift of a mitzvah.

Speaking of gifts, what do people in Scarsdale traditionally give as gifts to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah? Most people I spoke with gave me a range, depending on how close you are to the child or family, and whether it is just the child going or the whole family. Multiples of 18 are traditional, as 18 stands for Chai and is a spiritual number in Judaism. One Scarsdale parent told me that she gifts a minimum of $200 if attending as a family, and up to $500 for a close friend or family. "For a close circle, $360 is most common," she said. "Kid to kid is usually $54. If you barely know your child's friend, then maybe $36. For a close friend we would go up to $108." What if you're not attending the ceremony and party? Some people give, some people don't, but it's usually on the lower end if a gift is sent.