Back to School: Managing the Transition and Minimizing Meltdowns

There's a chill in the air first thing in the morning and you've worn your white jeans for the last time. As parents, we often breathe a sigh of relief when school finally starts, but for kids the transition can be a little trickier. While most children begin the year with a healthy mixture of nerves and excitement, those first few weeks of early wake-ups, new teachers, and the return of homework and schedules can be tough on everyone. So whether you spent the week before school getting organized and easing back into regular routines, or just in complete denial that the lazy days of summer were actually coming to an end, here are some tips to help kids ease into fall.

Start by talking to your kids about the year. Find out what they are thinking -- what they are looking forward to, what they may be worried about. Ask them to think about any goals they have. Having this discussion as a family or one-on-one with each child is a way to connect and also to acknowledge that things are about to change. It can also alert you to any specific concerns they may have. Yesterday, for example, I asked my 8th grader what he wanted out of this year and he said he wants to do really well in school because he knows this year counts for his transcript for college! I'm not sure where he heard that but I was able to tell him that that actually wasn't true, and I saw him visibly relax.

Get in the habit with your child of organizing as much as possible the night before – from clothes picked out to backpacks packed and lunches made. The fewer tasks left for the morning, the less hectic and frazzled everyone will feel. With a calmer start to the day your child (and you) will feel centered and ready to meet the world.

Encourage kids to spend time outside after school. Winter is long, and there will be plenty of time for the x-box, but you can take advantage of the weather these first few weeks leading into fall to let them expend energy and get some natural light and fresh air between school and homework. Being outside changes moods for the better, and will help make the transition to sitting inside for hours in a classroom seem less like a complete system shock.

Have spaces set up for homework that are organized and clutter-free. Plan with your child where he/she would like to do their work. Older kids tend to like the privacy of their rooms, while younger ones often prefer the kitchen table, or other areas of the house where they feel less isolated. There is no right or wrong place to do their work, as long as it's getting done, and it will give them a sense of control if they are allowed some say in where they set up.

As much as possible keep bedtime on the earlier side these first few weeks. Even an hour more of sleep per night can help a child cope with stress and regulate his emotions better. As the evening winds down, go over the following day with your child, including any appointments and after school activities, who is picking him up and driving him home, and where he should look for the rides. You may know you signed your son up for soccer on Tuesdays, but it's news to him! If possible, keeping extra-curriculars light that first week or two also helps ease the transition to a longer more structured day.

Consciously make time to connect as a family. Eat dinner together as much as you can, and make a weekend day or night plan that includes everyone. Chances are the summer offered many opportunities to be together so it's helpful to keep that thread going as the year starts and it can feel like everyone is off their own direction.

Accept that when all is said and done, there will be a period of adjustment, complete with anxious and cranky children, an extra tantrum (or four) and some frazzled nerves on your end. Many kids hold it together at school, only to seemingly fall apart at home until they get used to the routine. Give them the space to let it out, and let them know that you understand that it takes time to adjust to new teachers and schedules and that it's SO normal to feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes it helps to stand back and think big picture about your child and how she reacts to stressful situations in general. For example, when my daughter was about to start 9th grade, she had such a complete and violent meltdown when I asked her if her school supplies were organized, that I wondered how she would make it through the year. But when I thought about it, I realized that not only had she had an almost identical meltdown when I tried to explain to her how to use a combination lock the day before she started middle school, but I also remembered handing her to the elementary school secretary crying for the first two weeks of first grade, and her practically hyperventilating when I left her in the "two's" for the first time. It helped me to see that in the past she had been able to pull herself together just fine, and this pre high-school meltdown was just another stop along the road.

Finally, remember to reassure yourself that this too shall pass, and that kids usually do settle in within a few weeks, and those long lazy days will seem a distant memory...for now.

Julie Stonberg is a clinical social worker at Westchester Family Counseling in Hartsdale, www.westchesterfamilycounseling.com.