Teaching Our Children To Manage Their Anger

Coping with a child who cannot consistently manage his anger is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. Some parents may feel trapped in an endless and pointless argument or power struggle. Others may respond with more anger of their own, precipitating a dangerous spiral of rage that can actually damage the parent-child bond. I believe that the cornerstone to raising children who can manage anger and frustration appropriately is to do so ourselves and to recognize that managing anger is a learned skill.

Whether we like it or not, our children observe everything that we say and do, and then model their own behavior accordingly. What is your child learning in your home about how to express and manage anger? What do you need to change in your own behavior to raise a child who can manage his anger and emotions? Take a quiet moment to reflect on how you speak with others whose behavior may have annoyed you; anyone from the traffic guard, to the person bagging groceries in line at the store, to your mother-in-law, your spouse, or your child. If your child follows your lead, will you be proud of his character, ability to tolerate frustration, or his level of compassion for others?

Model healthy expressions of anger: Let your children hear you express anger in a calm voice, highlighting the difference between assertiveness and hostility. Show your child how you might use deep breathing, yoga poses, music or journaling to help manage your anger. Don’t be afraid to show your child that you are a person with feelings too. This helps our children to see us as the real, three-dimensional beings that we are. The key is to let our children know that we have the ability to control our own emotional states, as do they, and that it is our responsibility to do so.

Acknowledge your childs efforts to manage his or her anger and praise genuinely and specifically: You might say something like, “I am so proud of the way that you stayed calm when your little brother knocked over your block tower, I know you felt angry but you did a great job of staying in control.” Later, at the dinner table, you might mention the story to the whole family and let everyone know how proud you were.

Ignore irritating behavior when possible: For example, sometimes the best thing to do when faced with a child who has thrown himself on the floor in a screaming fit of rage is to simply walk away. Obviously it is important to keep safety in mind at all times, but a tantrum without an audience is like that falling tree in the forest. Does it really make a sound? Usually, it just picks itself up and moves on when the tantrum ceases to be effective.

Love unconditionally and hug often: Sometimes all an angry child (or adult) needs is a really big hug that communicates love and appreciation. An angry child is not a bad child, simply a child who is struggling to manage their inner state. I know some will argue that the hug simply reinforces bad behavior, but that has not been my experience at all. Making eye contact, hugging gently, and mentioning that you know how hard it is to feel out of control, can be extremely effective in ending an angry outburst. I also like to send the message that your love does not shift with your child’s mood, and that when your child is out of control, they can still turn to you for help getting back on track.

Provide plenty of opportunity for physical exercise: Kicking a ball, shooting baskets, jumping on a trampoline, doing jumping jacks, punching a punching bag, and skipping are all excellent ways for children (and adults) to relieve anger and frustration. As you observe your childs anger rise, silently and gently lead him to an activity involving exercise. The key here is to avoid any verbal exchange or a continued argument. You might just take your childs hand, lead them to the activity that works best, and get them set up. You might also say that you two are like mini detectives and you want to count how many punches, jumps, whatever, it takes to make the angry feelings go away.

Maintain clear boundaries and know in advance when to say no: Boundaries are not a form of punishment, but a clearly understood set of rules. When rules are based upon our core values, children recognize the power behind the rules and are ultimately less likely to test them.

Provide as many opportunities for success as you can: Not surprisingly, children who are frequently reprimanded, may view themselves as inferior to their peers and siblings. The best way for a child to feel successful is to succeed. In most situations there is a task that your child can do well enough to earn sincere praise. When a child sees that sparkle in your eye, and hears your specific and sincere praise, he learns many lessons. He learns that he is not all bad, that he is not defined by his poor choices in the past, that he has the ability to be important and useful for his family. Most importantly, he learns that he can please you and the other central people in his life.

Elizabeth Pflaum lives with her husband and four children in Westchester, New York and provides individual parent coaching to clients and their families. She offers parenting classes and workshops throughout the tri-state area, is a frequent guest parenting expert on WABC’s Eyewitness News and other television shows and writes articles about all topics relating to parenting and childhood.

Elizabeth is especially excited to partner with Robin Gorman Newman, noted author and founder of Motherhood Later...Than Sooner to present a series of Teleseminars, beginning the first Wednesday in March.

Topics will include:

• Authentic parenting and effective discipline
  
• Taming temper tantrums, back talk, and promoting respectful behavior
  
• Keeping it all together: taking control of our emotions, our stuff and our time so that we can spend these most precious resources in a way that enhances the life we wish to lead
  
• Juggling our own needs with those of our family, career, and home as we achieve our goals
  
• The power of positive parenting and the successful use of it in any parenting situation
  
• Back to Basics  Implementing routines and schedules to manage lifes daily struggles and chores with a smile
  

For more information on this or similar topics, or to register for the series, visit Elizabeth Pflaum on the web at www.aaaparentcoach.com