Parenting

Details: Published: 14 September 2010; Created: 14 September 2010; Last Updated: 18 September 2010; Hits: 7068

hyattfield1

Here is an update from the author of the letter: Dear Editor:I am very heartened to report that the parents of the young children I wrote about contacted me today to thank me for having brought the incident to light. I am deeply grateful to Chief Brogan and Detective Rodriguez of the Scarsdale Police Department, and to Scarsdale10583.com for all their help in locating the parents. I am also deeply grateful to all the parents and concerned citizens of Scarsdale who offered their support and who called Detective Rodriguez to corroborate my story. My sincere appreciation also goes to former Mayor Beverly Sved for all of her assistance, and also to Mayor Stevens for her help. I am gratified to live in a community in which people care about those around them and are willing to extend themselves to help others.

Sincerely,
One of Our Many Concerned Citizens

Dear Editor: On August 18, at approximately 5:15 p.m. at Hyatt Field on Boulevard and Potter Roads in Scarsdale, I witnessed a disturbing incident involving two nannies (who, based on their accents, appeared to be from the Caribbean) and the two young girls in their care. The girls were approximately 4 and 2 years old. The nannies were yelling at and berating the children because the younger girl, apparently mimicking the older one, had taken off her shirt. The nanny yelled at the younger girl for being a "follower" and gave her a "time-out" just for taking off her shirt. The nannies were sitting on a bench and gave the little girl a "time out" on the ground in front of the bench on which she was sitting and pushed her back down when she tried to get up. The little girl was hysterical, crying and calling for her "Mommy". The nanny told her that it served her right for being a follower and this would teach her not to be a follower. When the time out was over--a few minutes later as I was watching them closely--the nanny was still treating the the little girl in a mean manner, and would not let her hold her or climb onto her lap. "Get away from me, don't touch me!" she yelled at the girl who was still crying hysterically. The other nanny, meanwhile, was yelling at the 4 year-old and telling her she should have "some pride". She forced her onto the bench and gave her a "time out". When the "time out" was over and the girl tried to reach over and snuggle up to her nanny, the nanny yelled at her, "Get away from me!"

There were two boys playing nearby in the park who were also apparently in the care of these women (perhaps siblings to the girls). The boys were about six or seven years old. The nannies occasionally yelled at them, too, but it was the little girls whom I witnessed being so harshly treated. It was a very disturbing sight, and I couldn't help but look at the children and the nannies with deep consternation. As a result, the nannies started yelling at me and telling me to mind my own business. I told them I wouldn't stand by while they treated the children this way and that I would call the police. They laughed at me and told me to go ahead. One swore at me (she called me a "bitch" in front of all the children, including my own) and they both continued to yell at me. I proceeded to call the Scarsdale Police, who said they would dispatch a vehicle, but that it would take a significant amount of time because all the vehicles were out attending to other duties. I am afraid that the women left before the police arrived.

Currently, Detective Rodriguez of the Scarsdale Police Department is working to locate these two nannies and to question them about the incident. He has copies of the two photos I took of the nannies with the girls. I would desperately want to know if my children were being mistreated this way, and I am hoping that this letter will help locate the parents of these children so that I can tell them directly what happened. If you have any information about these nannies or the children described, please contact Detective Rodriguez at 914-722-1200 or email scarsdalecomments@gmail.com and the site will put you in touch with me.

Thank you very much for any help you can provide.

[Anonymous]

Details: Published: 07 September 2010; Created: 07 September 2010; Last Updated: 09 September 2010; Hits: 6606

racetop New York State recently won almost $700,000,000 in Race to the Top grant funds from the Federal Government. This is a big win for many districts in our state, especially New York City schools who are slated to receive $250-$300 million of the grant for educational reforms. The grants were awarded to states that are leading the way in comprehensive, coherent, statewide education reform across four key areas:

Adopting standards and assessments that prepare students to succeed in college and the workplace;
Building data systems that measure student growth and success, and inform teachers and principals how to improve instruction;
Recruiting, developing, rewarding, and retaining effective teachers and principals, especially where they are needed most; and
Turning around their lowest-performing schools.

Clearly, there are many districts in New York City and New York State that have room for improvement in educating students, improving test scores and increasing the number of students who go onto college. But what does this new initiative mean to a district like Scarsdale, where students have historically done very well on standardized tests and 99% of high school seniors continue their education after high school? Do we stand to benefit in the form of increased state aid or funding for new programs?

We asked Scarsdale Schools Superintendent Michael McGill what the Race to the Top means for our district and here is what we learned:

Will Scarsdale receive any of the Race to the Top funds?

We are unlikely to get any money. We are required to comply.

What new requirements, if any, will now be mandated by the state?

The most immediate impact will be a requirement to rate both teachers and principals based on state test results, local assessments, and other factors. Each of these categories will have point value and individuals will then be rated on a 100-point scale. As far as we know, we'll have to do the ratings and we may have to report them to the State. This last part isn't yet clear.

In your view, will rating school personnel improve performance?

We don't see this provision as helping us here. It is troubling for a number of reasons.

Rating performance by state test scores is problematic. The quality of the tests isn't consistently high, and the practice is irrational. Why? If an excellent teacher has a class with several learning-challenged children, their test scores may not be as strong as those of more talented children in Teacher B's class next door. Teacher A therefore receives a lower rating than Teacher B. It's the Memorial Sloan Kettering problem: do you rate the hospital down because it has a higher mortality rate than one that doesn't handle nearly as many critical cases? That's only one example of error inherent in the plan.

When many people in any system believe the system is subject to significant error, erratic and unfair, the results can be unpredictable; generally, however, they're not good. We can't predict with certainty what will happen if that turns out to be the case here, as seems likely. We do know we're dealing once more with the unintended consequences of top-down, bureaucratic reforms that may be well intentioned but that again are being applied uniformly, as if one size fits all.

We believe the main reason for rating teachers is to distinguish between those who are not meeting a Scarsdale standard and those who are. If a teacher is below standard, we provide support and may need to find ways to separate the individual from the district. We have done both these things each year, although we don't broadcast the news.

For teachers who do meet a Scarsdale standard of performance, the important question isn't how they rate, but how each one can continue to enhance his or her strengths and ameliorate any weaknesses. This is a developmental process that may involve further academic study, classroom observation, collaboration with colleagues, and opportunities to practice new techniques and approaches. That work occurs best in a trusting climate that honors risk-taking. It also requires a capacity to acknowledge mistakes or shortcomings undefensively.

Experience shows that more emphasis on test scores drives teachers to teach narrowly what they think will be on the test, often by trying to anticipate specific test questions or by teaching classes that mimic the precise kinds of questions the tests are likely to ask. Gaming the test, not learning, is more apt to become the objective. Also, instead of being an incentive to improve and collaborate, efforts to rate teachers can increase competition. This can drive people to trust and share less and to emphasize image over substance. None of these developments is helpful for schools that are trying to encourage teachers to work together so they develop their common capacity to teach students to think well, to solve complex problems and to engage in other important learning.

Under the tenure system, are low performing teachers still guaranteed their jobs?

None of this has anything to do with tenure.

If we do implement a system to rank teachers based on student performance, what will we do with this data?

We'll have to see how the dynamics play out as we discuss these matters with teachers in the course of the year.

Anything else you would like to add?

Race To The Top and these new requirements continue a pattern of growing federal intrusion into territory that's Constitutionally reserved to the states. They also show the increasingly heavy hand of State control at work in determining policies and practices that have historically been the province of local boards of education.

The broad national problem of education inequality calls for urgent action. We recognize that some school districts require outside intervention, and, especially, that they need more appropriate resourcing, if they're to provide their students even an adequate education. That's why our board of education voted to support the State's Race to the Top proposal to Washington.

However, I subsequently wrote the Commissioner of Education to express our concern about an ongoing strategy of applying State policies uniformly and without distinction when rational distinctions do exist. The continuing erosion of local authority is neither necessary nor wise, especially when it needlessly imposes more procedures on top of systems that already function at a high level and when it impedes local efforts to improve children's learning. I offered to work with the State to help push the boundaries of excellent practice and to support our sister school districts where possible.

I hope to receive a positive response from Albany in the future.

Details: Published: 24 August 2010; Created: 24 August 2010; Last Updated: 24 August 2010; Hits: 4497

tryharder Ok, take your hand off the phone. No need to call social services. I went and saw comedian Christopher Titus last night and in one of his many whip-smart, hilarious rants, he used that phrase. Brilliant comedians don't just make you laugh until your over-priced cocktail comes squirting out your nose; they make you think. He is one of those comedians.

He talked about how crazy it is that we reward kids for basically showing up (trophies for everyone!), and want to do everything in our power to keep their ever- expanding egos ever expanding. Don't criticize. Don't discipline. Don't show disappointment.

So, what are we creating? What kind of next generation can we expect? I'm sorry to say, but I think it's going to be a generation of emotionally stunted, egocentric, weaklings who don't have the ability to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, because they were never knocked down.

I've written about it before (once or twice). How we over-praise our kids. We over-involve ourselves. We over-protect. And yes, by we I mean myself included.

I grew up in a house where praise was in short supply, but I still knew I was loved. I worked hard, because so much was expected of me, and I was certainly going to hear about it if I fell short. There were no trophies just for showing up. You lost. Maybe even cried about it. And then you moved on.

But the greatest successes in my life came from people telling me I couldn't do something. I wrote two books (the second was an update of the first) and the single biggest motivating factor in doing it was that my husband said that he didn't think I would do it.

Not that I couldn't, but that I wouldn't. You'd be amazed what can be accomplished if for no other reason than to prove someone wrong.

I know it feels good to pat your kid on the back. But maybe if we only do it when they deserve it they'll work just a little bit harder. Because they'll know when that pat on the back comes, they earned it.

Read more from Gray Matters here

Details: Published: 31 August 2010; Created: 31 August 2010; Last Updated: 31 August 2010; Hits: 3777

schoolbus It won’t be long before school starts again. Kids will be out in greater numbers on the streets and sidewalks. As parents, we want our children to enjoy their years in school and return safely home each afternoon.

Whether your child is riding a bike, walking or taking a bus, there are a few simple safety rules you should discuss before school starts.

Riding a bike or walking will give your child a chance to get some exercise during the day. But children face possible dangers riding or biking. Children between the ages of 5 and 9 have probably not developed the skills and experience to navigate traffic safely and judge speed and distance. Before school starts, practice safe pedestrian skills with your child and provide adult supervision to and from school if possible. Tell your child to:

Mind all traffic signals and the crossing guard.
Never cross the street against a light, even if there’s no traffic coming.
Walk your bike through intersections.
Ride or walk with a buddy.
Wear reflective material to be more visible to street traffic.

Taking the bus is a safe mode of transportation. However, according to the National Safety Council, about 9,000 children are injured each year in incidents involving school buses. Surprisingly, these injuries occur as children enter and exit the bus. Review these safety tips with your child:

Have a safe place to wait for the bus, away from traffic and the street.
Stay away from the bus until it comes to a complete stop and the driver signals you to enter.
When being dropped off, exit the bus and walk several giant steps away from the bus. Keep a safe distance between you and the bus. Also, remember that the bus driver can see you best when you are away from the bus.
Use the handrail to enter and exit the bus.
Stay away from the bus until the driver gives a signal that it’s okay to approach.
Be aware of the street traffic around you. Drivers are required to follow certain rules of the road concerning school buses but not all do.

If you’re driving in a school area or along bus routes, be sure to watch out for children on the streets and sidewalks. Slow down in school areas. Stop at crosswalks and intersections when children are present. Obey all laws regarding school buses. Whether your have a child in school or not, help make sure all school children arrive at school and home safely.

Vivan Lem is an agent with State Farm Insurance.

Details: Published: 10 August 2010; Created: 10 August 2010; Last Updated: 11 August 2010; Hits: 5837

A little over a year ago, I whined to anyone who would listen about how devastated I was when my younger daughter departed for college, leaving my husband and me with an empty nest. It’s hard to say this aloud, much less put it out there in writing, but I now have to confess that I don’t miss my kids. I don’t miss their clothes draped over the furniture, wet towels on the bathroom floor, inability to put dirty dishes into the dishwasher, lack of advance planning, limitless ability to spend money and hugely annoyed tones of voice when I happen to comment upon any of the above.

I don’t miss them as condescending young adults, quarrelsome teens, moody preteens, or temperamental little ones. I might possibly miss them a teensy bit as very small babies in the magical few moments after they started sleeping through the night and before they were old enough to whine, throw tantrums in the supermarket, make fart noises with their armpits, utter the words ”It’s not fair,” refuse to eat what’s served for dinner, fight about bedtime, think that if a joke is funny once, it must also be funny five hundred times later, and do any and all of the myriad other aggravating things that accompany each developmental stage. I don’t miss having to exercise the superhuman and entirely unnatural patience it takes to be a parent.

I don’t miss my kids when they aren’t around and, be honest, I bet you don’t miss your kids either.

It is mid-August, and children are returning to Scarsdale. Our village will once again shed its resemblance to a post-apocalyptic world in which everyone between the ages of 8 and 17 has been vaporized. Summer camp is ending, and teen tours are disembarking at JFK. Our legacy is returning to town and it is hard not to be ambivalent.

People in the rest of the world, the nation, the state, or even the county don’t necessarily ship their kids out for seven weeks every July and August. We do, and so do some fortunate folks in Miami, Chicago, Boston, Dallas, LA, and Buenos Aires. Even those parents among us who claim to regret the wholesale migration of our kids to Maine, New Hampshire, and Europe, nonetheless pay the tuition, label the tee shirts, and ship the duffels with a mounting sense of liberation as departure day draws near. Once we get rid of them for the first time at age 8 or 9 or 10, and they and we survive the experience, most of us can’t wait for the chance to get rid of them again.

The first time we send them off, we tell ourselves that camp will be good for them. And it turns out that, for the most part, camp is good for them. But their fun and the ways in which they mature away from us are not what make summer camp a luxury that we treat as a necessity. As good as a summer away is for our children, it is even better for us, their parents.

I can’t say with certainty what my kids miss about me when they are not home, but what they don’t miss about me is pretty damn obvious. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. I inquire (nag), offer (push), suggest (boss), comment (judge), and otherwise generally frustrate them as we try to navigate the treacherous waters of parent and child occupying the same space at the same time. I have long been exhausted by all that I do feel that I have to do, most of which is wrong in their eyes, and I now know myself to be relieved by their absence and restored by how much they love me and I love them when they are gone.

We work hard to become muscle-hard and match-ready to raise our kids according to whatever record breaking standard we set for ourselves. How many of us have felt like a pro at the stage of childhood or adolescence that has just ended, and a complete neophyte as to the challenges we are about to confront? We scramble to get up to speed, to whip our skill sets into shape as we buy advice books, attend parenting groups, confer with counselors, and take comfort from friends whose children have also transformed them in a matter of seconds from rational adults into screaming nutcases.

And then we quickly we tumble out of shape between parenting one child and the next. The ferocity with which we take on the issues the first time through doesn’t necessarily sustain us the second or third time we go out to run the race. “No, you may not watch three hours of TV, have candy for dinner, go to the mall alone, see a PG-13 movie (at age 6), or ride in a car with your friend who got his/her license yesterday/last week/last month,” somehow morph into fuzzier responses for a younger child.

How do we soften up so fast, when it has taken us years to get in shape in the first place? Maybe we persuade ourselves that, since the oldest child survived the scary parts of growing up, the younger ones will make it too. Possibly, we stop trying to compete to be the best parents, with the best children, because after a very short while we just don’t care about what other people think about us or our offspring. Mostly, I think, we get really, really tired.

I don’t have much parenting muscle anymore. In addition to being the mother of two college age women, I am grandma to three kids, ages five, eight, and ten. My younger daughter is only nine years older than my older grandson, which is another way of saying that I am not that far removed from my days of daily parenthood workouts. Nonetheless, I am woefully out of shape, a fact that was brought home to me last month when our three grandkids spent a week with my husband and me, without their parents.

It was grandparent boot camp. We raced around from morning until nighttime, trying to keep the kids entertained away from home, their friends, and their routines. By the end of the week, or to be frank, about midway through, we were all totally fried. That’s when the grandkids let down their guard and started freely misbehaving and my husband and I had to figure out if we still have the right stuff. We don’t.

We found ourselves digging our nails into our thighs as the kids roared in the back seat of the car. We couldn’t summon up the energy to employ the diversionary tactics we used when our own kids were small a few short years ago. After spending decades sticking a metaphorical sock in my mouth so that I didn’t use vulgarisms or curse words in front of my young daughters, I didn’t manage to get through six days of grandparenting before I heard myself say an expletive that would be bleeped on network television. A couple of hours later, my husband ostentatiously read emails on his blackberry while the kids took turns “tooting” noisily and intentionally (who knew this could be accomplished on cue?) to the horror of every other patron of an ice cream parlor because he didn’t feel, and wasn’t inclined to fake, the moral indignation required to shut down their scatological shenanigans. It’s a good thing we have those kids to ourselves for only one week a year. That’s just about how long we can hold it together, and we need the following 51 weeks to recover.

So, no, I don’t miss my kids when they are at college, or my grandkids when they are at home. I enjoy them – mostly anyhow – during our times together and then I enjoy the relaxation that follows their departure when I don’t have to be a parent or grandparent every moment of every day. You must know this too, as your kids are invading your home again, coming back from camp or trips, sucking up all the available oxygen that, for a few short weeks this summer, fueled your dinners out, your quiet Sundays reading the paper, your chance to watch R-rated movies, your guilt-free tennis matches and rounds of golf, and your opportunity to reconnect with the part of yourself that is not a mom or a dad.

Take heart. Love and enjoy them while they are home. You only have to survive 45 weeks until they leave again.

Stacey Brodsky has practiced law, taught middle school English and been a stay-at-home mom during the 18 years she, her husband and her children have lived in Scarsdale.