This is So Awkward, But It Doesn't Have to Be

As if talking to kids about “the birds and the bees” wasn’t already difficult enough, parents today have to also consider factors like the influence of social media, easy access to pornography, and the fact that puberty is happening earlier in a child’s development.

Though trying to figure out how and when to talk to your kids about all things “puberty” and sex” can be overwhelming, the Scarsdale PTC aimed to provide parents with a little support by inviting the host of the “That’s So Awkward” podcast, Vanessa Kroll Bennett, to share her expertise and offer some helpful guidance on January 22 at Scarsdale Middle School.

With her humor and warmth, Kroll Bennett immediately connected with her audience and made talking about a sensitive topic way less…well awkward, and a whole lot more personable. As a parent herself, Kroll Bennett related many of her own tried and true strategies and concrete ways to start sensitive conversations. While the hour long presentation was packed with helpful insight, only some of the highlights are included here.

Kroll Bennet began her presentation by providing a brief explanation of the science of puberty and highlighted how important it is for children to learn and understand all aspects of the “development” conversation. She explained that the more (age appropriate) information children have, the more empowered they are and more empathetic they can be to the wide variety of changes that occur for everyone during puberty.

The podcaster also explained that over the last few decades, there has been a lot of research focused on puberty which has in turn helped us to better understand the entire developmental process, including how and when “sex” hormones start to affect the brain and body. The research has also made clear that the onset of puberty is starting earlier and lasting longer than it did in decades past. Kroll Bennett described a variety of reasons for this shift, including chronic stressors like poverty, trauma, and abuse, as well as the use of endocrine-disrupting chemicals.

While, on a whole, the onset of puberty is trending younger, Kroll Bennett reminded her audience that children develop at different rates and can experience an array of differing puberty effects. Though only some children might struggle with body odor and pimples, almost all children experience the impact of hormones on their moods. She made clear that when children experience the dreaded mood swings of puberty, they commonly have no idea why and will often experience shame and anger. Kroll Bennett stressed that it is the job of every parent to help kids feel safe and to help them regulate their big emotions. To help them regulate she suggests :

Cool down: If your child’s emotions are running high, we want to help kids bring them down. Parents should avoid phrases like, “calm down”, “stop crying” or “it’s not a big deal”...these words don’t help regulate emotions and can instead make a child feel worse. Instead, parents should try to co-regulate and let children “borrow” their own calming strategies. Parents can take their own deep breath which not only keeps the parent calm, but models for their children how to regulate strong feelings.

Pivot, don’t engage: Children experiencing high emotions often don’t even know “what is wrong” because their prefrontal cortex has shut down and their limbic system is driving the bus. They don’t know what’s wrong, so instead of trying to engage them in conversation to try and figure things out, try distraction or redirecting them to a “calming activity” like taking the dog for a walk or getting a glass of water saying something like, “I am so dehydrated and need a glass of water…let’s get a glass of water.” Distractions give kids an opportunity to breathe.

Words are not always needed: As parents, we sometimes can’t help ourselves from talking and trying to fix our children’s problems…however, children usually benefit more from just being able to offload their feelings to a sympathetic listener. Instead of lecturing your child, try to just validate their feelings and create space for them to talk.

Validate: It might feel inauthentic at first, but try to come up with one line you can say when your child is upset and trying to share their feelings. Something like, “That stinks, I am so sorry that happened to you” and then just sit and allow your child to keep talking if they want to.

Take a do over: And if you mess up as a parent (as we all do), make sure to go back and say, “I messed up, I’m really sorry”. When you take a do over, it actually strengthens your relationship and creates a stronger bond with your child. When kids are in the midst of a mood swing and are stewing in shame and embarrassment, if they know you as a parent can take a do-over, they know they can take a do-over too.

In her presentation, Kroll Bennett also talked about “decision making” and how the human brain isn’t fully developed until almost thirty years old. Even though the brain is still developing and children will make many mistakes, she reminded parents that kids are a work in progress and that it is important to keep having important conversations with them to create “muscle memory”. It's about making an impact with the information you are offering your kid over and and over.

When it came to the topic of talking to children about sex, Kroll Bennett suggested that it is more than just a one time conversation and should be talked about in a variety of ways with a variety of considerations. In the presentation she went into great detail about the various considerations and a few of the key points include:

It’s important to remember that middle schoolers and high schoolers are still trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be and that process is a long and arduous road. When we talk about inclusive conversations about sex, it's also inclusive of the reality that a kid’s identity formation is a long and winding journey.

Answer questions according to and what is appropriate for a kid’s AGE & STAGE and where a child is at in their development. And if you don’t know an answer to a question or if you are unsure how to answer, Kroll Bennett suggests to say, “That's such an interesting question, what made you ask that” and try to figure out where the child’s questions are coming from. Did they learn something in school? Did they see something in a movie? You want to find a starting point.

The other way to be inclusive when talking about sex, is to talk about love and to talk about the emotional experience of physical intimacy. Kroll Bennett shared, “We get scared of our kids someday, having sex. That feels really scary, and we think about the fear and the repercussions. But if you think about it, we really want our kids to someday have a loving, meaningful, connected relationship with someone.” She added that it's important that kids hear us talk about that part of a relationship so they can know it's supposed to be part of, and expected in a relationship.

Kroll Bennett further suggests parents talk with their children about consent starting at an early age, even when the consent has nothing to do with sex. She also encourages parents to teach the anatomically correct vocabulary for all body parts and stated that “Research tells us that kids are safer from sexual predation when they know the names of all of their body parts.”

When parents talk to their kids about sex, eventually and over time, it’s important to include all kinds of sex. Kroll Bennett related that people have lots of different kinds of sex (oral sex, anal sex, sex with yourself) and we want kids to feel safe asking questions about all of it. And (age and stage appropriately) you want to talk about it because you don't know what kind of sex your kid is going to have someday. When parents normalize all sorts of sexual activities they let their kids know that they are a safe person to talk to when kids have questions.

Just as important, Kroll Bennett reminded parents to lead their conversations with curiosity and ditch the shame…and if a discussion heads in an unexpected direction, parents can always ask, “That’s an interesting question, what makes you ask that?”

Another topic Kroll Bennett talked at length about was the negative impact of modern pornography. While in her presentation the discussion was incredibly detailed, some of the takeaways include:

-Average age of exposure to porn is 12 years old
-15% of 10 year olds have seen porn
-Phone or no phone, kids are still exposed
-Today’s porn is way different
-Don’t let the pornographers write the script!

In closing, Kroll Bennett reminded parents that “It's not just one talk. You do not have to back up the dump truck and give them all the information. It's five minutes here, it's five minutes there. It's a ride in the car. It's little bits and pieces over time. Take the pressure off and don’t assume that they need every piece of information right now. You can give them some information and just say, do you have any more questions? And I can tell you this…The kid who seems like they're not listening. The kid who says, no, I have no questions and runs outside. The kid who had their hood up and their back turned, they can come back tomorrow or next week or next month. You never know, all you do is open the door…they will choose when they come back in through the door.”

The parents who were able to attend this informative presentation were treated to a night filled with wisdom, wit, and incredibly applicable advice. If you weren’t able to catch the talk in person, You can find all sorts of useful resources on the Less Awkward website including a link to the “this is so awkward” podcast and book with the same title.