How to Help Young Children Transition from Home to Preschool

It's the beginning of the school year. You've taken care of every item on the mental checklist you've been carrying around in your head (or if you're like me it needs to be written down!) School orientation-check, new clothes-check, supplies-check, first day of school outfit-check, pictures taken-check. If you're a parent who has completed the copious "to do" list and still find yourself in the school parking lot with a screaming child who refuses to leave his car seat, this article is for you. As a child psychologist and mother of twins, I can assure you that separation related to a school setting can present many challenges, even in the most optimal circumstances. Here is some vital information to make the transition from home to school less stressful for you and your child:

A Brief Background About the Process of Separation

As parents we often anticipate with happiness, pride and sometimes a sense of relief sending our children off to the very first day of school. We can pat ourselves on the back as we've made it through one more child-rearing hurdle! For many children, separating from their parents for nursery school or kindergarten is the longest time they've spent away from parents on a consistent basis. Psychologically, separation is a more complicated process than it may seem and is part of a process called individuation. Put simply, separation and individuation is when children, both physically and emotionally, learn that they are separate entities from their parents. This is a time when children need extra reassurance that parents will always be there to take care of them.

1) Structure, Structure and More Structure

Children thrive on predictability. Try to keep to routines as much as possible. Too many changes in bedtime, mealtime, etc., can make children anxious. They are too young to know that their needs will be met if there is variability in their schedules. I don't want to confuse structure with rigidity. Life is so complicated that we sometimes end up letting our kids stay up to watch a favorite show, come home late from family functions, etc. This is a perfectly normal, healthy and part of life. Structure is healthy; rigidity can cause anxiety.

2) Temper Tantrums and Refusals to Go to School

One of the most important ways to handle temper tantrums is to monitor your child and attempt to de-escalate what you see coming. You know what triggers your child. A child who is overwhelmed with too many activities, dragged from school to run errands or isn't feeling well, may very well have a "melt down." We've all been there. It can be embarrassing and frustrating. Although it is easier said than done, try to stay calm. Speak to your child in a calm yet firm voice. Sometimes, it's best to just call it a day and cut your losses. Your child will not miss out on anything crucial by missing a day or two of school.

3) Be Enthusiastic

Talk about the new and exciting experiences your child can look forward to. Perhaps there is a playground with new equipment your child hasn't seen before, the opportunity to play multiple musical instruments, learn new types of art (finger painting is so much easier when it is done in school than when we have to clean it up at home!). In the preschool years, many programs focus on dramatic play in which children dress up and/or take on different roles. By doing so, they learn how to interact and share with other children, resolve conflicts and problem solve. Share your child's smallest successes with family and friends. Encouraging your child to phone a grandparent or aunt may give you information you hadn't heard before.

4) Expect That Your Child May Become More Dependent and/or Revert to Regressive Behaviors

Change can be difficult for young children, even in the most optimal of circumstances. Some children may enter a school setting with little difficulty, while others may present with very challenging behaviors and fears. I always tell my patients, that you know your child better than anyone. Most parents are aware of their child's ability to adjust to new situations, frustration tolerance and anxieties. Some children may revert to previous developmental levels. For example, a child who previously sucked his thumb may begin doing so again. Some very young children who have been fully toilet trained, may begin to have accidents, especially during the night.

It can be helpful to know that many of these behaviors are normal and are most likely a response to the separation. You may want to explain to your child that sometimes children do things they did when they were younger when they are feeling afraid. Reassure your child that it's normal for children to feel/act in these ways in new situations. In most cases, regressive behaviors normalize once children feel more comfortable and confident in their new surroundings. If you feel your child's behavior becomes markedly different (e.g., regressive behaviors increase in frequency and intensity, they display signs of withdrawal, intense anger or irritability), you should seek the advice of your pediatrician to rule out any medical conditions. You may also consider consulting a licensed psychologist for specific interventions tailored to your child's needs.

6) Give Your Child a Picture or Special Memento

Young children are very concrete. Having something special to look at or hold onto while they are at school can be comforting. Try to have your child pick out what would be important for him/her to have. It may be a family picture or a small toy; the choice is theirs. You may want to include a note in or drawing in your child's lunch/snack box. When saying "goodbye" it's helpful to remain calm and reassure your child that she/he will have a good day. Reassuring them by saying, "Mommies/Daddies always come back" may be helpful. These small gestures communicate to your child that you are still thinking of them, even when you are not physically with them.

7) Reflect Upon Your Own Experiences of Separation From Your Parents

The ability to reflect upon our own experiences of separation as a child can be helpful to understand and appreciate what our children may be experiencing. Try to remember how your parents handled your first major separation from them and how you felt about it. In general, we tend to parent in ways similar to how we were parented. You may want to talk to your children about what your separation from your parents felt like when you were a child. Sharing these experience can help normalize your child's feelings.

Children can be surprisingly resilient in their ability to adapt to new situations. They just need our reassurance and support along the way.

Dr. Sanders is co-director at www.DrMomsNY.com. To schedule an initial complimentary consultation, call 917-533-4832 or email DrMomsNY@gmail.com.