How We Can Help Abusers and Victims of Domestic Violence

When we hear about a person who is stuck in an abusive relationship, we often wonder, “Why does the victim stay with the abuser?” But Rachel Louise Snyder, author of No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, challenges her readers to ask instead, “Why do abusers abuse?” This is only one of the poignant questions that Louise Snyder poses in her book, in which she thoughtfully explores the often taboo subject of domestic violence. By highlighting the perspectives and stories of both the victims and the perpetrators of domestic violence, the author brings the subject out of the shadows and lays a foundation for communities to move towards successful solutions for what the World Health Organization describes as “a global health problem of epidemic proportions.”

On Tuesday April 17th, the Scarsdale Public Library and Scarsdale Edgemont Family Counseling’s Safe Coalition hosted a virtual author talk with Ms. Louise Snyder to learn more about her book and its important message. New York State Assemblymember Amy Paulin opened the program by introducing both the author, Rachel Louise Snyder and the moderator of the discussion Darlene Reda, the deputy director for the Westchester County Office for Women.

Throughout the hour-long discussion, Reda and Snyder touched on many of the significant points that the author elucidates in No Visible Bruises. A natural storyteller, Snyder first recalled how she was inspired to write her latest book after a chance meeting with a domestic violence worker left her feeling compelled to help spread awareness. She bemoaned that so little attention is given to an issue that endangers an estimated 10 million people every year and almost one in four women. Snyder argues that because women make up the large majority of domestic abuse victims, the issue does not get the attention it deserves.

The author also made clear that victims stay with their abusers for a variety of reasons, but chief among them is our broken system of support for the victims. As she explains, we often put the impetus to change onto the victims of domestic violence telling them to move out, go to a shelter, or get counseling. But we don’t do this with other crimes. For instance, we don’t suggest that a homeowner move out of their home after a burglar breaks in, we don’t tell a victim of a robbery to stop carrying a purse, or a victim of a hit and run to stop driving a car. Snyder wonders why then, do we put the catalyst for change primarily on the shoulders of the victims of domestic violence?

She described reasons that it can be difficult for victims to move out and go to a shelter.
Primarily, moving is just plain difficult but moving to a shelter where there is little privacy and lots of other traumatized victims can seem even less appealing. Victims with children also have to consider that they can’t register children in another school district without the consent of both parents and that pulling children away from their sports and activities creates more chaos and trauma.

Louise Snyder further described how the victims in her book, also experienced coercive and financial control by their abusers and were isolated from their friends and family and left without access to any money, making moving away a near impossibility. The author made clear that most victims of domestic violence experience this kind of coercive control, an invisible form of emotional abuse that results in psychological trauma. She also noted that in many of these relationships, the victims truly love and care for their abuser and don’t want anything bad to happen to them; they just want the trauma to stop.

On the topic of how to help victims of abuse, Reda and Snyder agreed that a victim will not leave an abuser until THEY are ready to leave and described how ending an abusive relationship is not an event, it's a process. Snyder recounted the story of a victim who made seven or eight attempts to leave. The day she finally tiptoed her way to freedom, was years in the making.

Since leaving an abuser is a long process, the author stresses the importance of maintaining an open and nonjudgmental line of communication with victims and letting them know you are always there for them. Rather than getting frustrated with a victim for not leaving, she suggests we should instead help the victim plan for the day they do decide to end their abusive relationship. As supporters we can encourage victims to have things like a “safety plan”, a “go bag”, and a list of important contact numbers. Because victims are often isolated from friends and family, Louise Snyder believes that we should also enlist the help of local clergy, human resource personnel from businesses, and social workers at schools and suggests we train these resources to better support victims of domestic abuse.

Another important aspect of the book is her inclusion of the abusers’ stories and their perspectives. She reminds her readers that perpetrators of violence are not always monsters but rather complicated humans: people we might know in our ordinary lives who struggle with feelings of rage and anger but are not the sum total of their abuse. She went on to discuss various ways we can better support abusers in their quests for rehabilitation and help to prevent acts of violence before they happen. One program the author described is an anonymous hotline for abusers to call if they feel like they might get violent. The hotline disrupts a moment of violence and allows callers to take a time out, calm down, maybe get their medication and formulate a plan before ending the phone call. Another program lauded by the author is a shelter for the abuser and not the victim. Instead of removing the victim from the home, or sending the abuser to jail, Louise Snyder described a program that provides temporary shelter for abusers, where they receive intense counseling and support while still being allowed to go to work and have supervised visits with their families.

While these are only some of the highlights of the discussion, in her book No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, Rachel Louise Snyder provides her readers with an eye-opening and thought-provoking narrative of what domestic violence looks like and how communities can better effect change.

Copies of the book are available at the Scarsdale Public Library. For more information about domestic violence or if you are someone you know is in need of support please see the Safe Coalition's website for a list of resources.