Edgemont Runaway: What Can We Learn?

Local parents and teens were alarmed to learn that an Edgemont girl had run away just after New Year's. It was a terribly frightening incident for kids and parents and the community breathed a collective sigh of relief when the girl was found safe and sound in Manhattan after 9 days at large.

Though the particulars of her circumstances are confidential, what can families learn from this? What's the right balance between giving your children freedom to roam and imposing rules and boundaries to ensure their safety and your peace of mind? These questions have perplexed parents of teens for years – and though there are no concrete answers, here's some information to consider.

We spoke to Jay Genova at Scarsdale and Edgemont Family Counseling Service. In addition to acting as a referral center for families who need help, SFCS runs 65 parent support groups and Genova assured me that issues surrounding independence and boundaries are pretty much the crux of many parenting discussions. Though situations vary, it all comes down to the struggle to maintain discipline while allowing teens the freedom they need to grow into responsible adults.

So how to maintain a bond with your child? Genova stressed the importance of staying as connected as possible with your teenage child. He contends that teenagers face lots of risks and the best way to protect them from getting into trouble is to help them to build strong bonds with parents, the school and the community.

According to Genova, the conundrum for teenagers is that they have simultaneous needs for independence and autonomy along with the need for limits and boundaries to protect them. It's up to parents to try to negotiate between these conflicting forces.

If you feel your child growing distant from you, Genova suggests that you experiment with new and innovative ways to relate and connect. Plan to do something together that you both enjoy -- cooking, seeing a movie or trying a new restaurant. If conversations spiral into fights, try to re-establish rapport by avoiding hot topics and starting with safer or benign comments. Try to engage by talking about issues that don't stir up a fight.

And if you do disagree, Genova counsels parents to listen to their children and seek to understand their point of view. Maybe they have information you have not considered. Engage, hear what they say and validate their point of view, even if you don't agree. Genova says that kids are often frustrated because they feel their voices are not heard.

He also urged parents not to give up. If the conversation is going nowhere, table it until another day. Some issues may take several tries to sort out, so he recommends that if things get heated you back off and revisit the issue at another time. Stay connected by continuing the dialogue.

If you have reached an impasse and are fearful your child is at risk, there are many resources at your disposal. Call the school psychologist or peer counselor at your child's school, a mental health professional, speak to your clergy or consult Scarsdale and Edgemont Family Counseling Service at (914) 723-3281.