Rabbi Blake Discusses Keys to a Happy Marriage
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Senior Rabbi Jonathan Blake of Westchester Reform Temple has another movie role – this one in the film 112 Weddings which will be shown at the Jacob Burns Jewish Film Festival. The movie, by Doug Block who also made 51 Birch Street, chronicles the lives of couples that the filmmaker met when he filmed wedding over the course of 20 years. Block wondered what had become of the happy couples he filmed. Is married life what they thought it would be? In this charming, poignant film, he interviews some of the more memorable brides and grooms, juxtaposing wedding-day flashbacks with present-day reality and asking them what advice they'd give a young couple soon to be married. He also speaks to Rabbi Blake who shares his thoughts on marriage and happiness. Blake will appear on a panel at the film center after the film is shown on Sunday April 26 at 5 pm.
We watched the movie – which is worth seeing – and then posed some questions to Rabbi Blake:
About how many couples have you married?
Well, I've been a congregational rabbi for 15 years, and I usually officiate at somewhere between 7 and 15 weddings a year, so, let's say that it's over a hundred at this point.
What advice do you give to couples who ask you to perform their marriage?
The important thing is for me to get to know each couple as deeply as possible (given our three or four sessions before the big day) by listening carefully to "what makes them tick." Whatever counsel I have to offer emerges from a confidential and intimate conversation with the couple. I use a wonderful assessment tool in getting to know the couples; it's an online survey developed by Life Innovations, Inc., called "Prepare-Enrich." You can learn more about it at www.prepare-enrich.com. Some wisdom that I picked up a number of years ago turns out to be true: that the areas with which couples seem to struggle the most have to do with money, sex, and time (meaning, how they balance home, work, life, family, couple time, etc.). Among my most frequently given pieces of advice are to seek outside help in the form of a couples therapist, individual therapy, and a good accountant and/or financial planner. I also find myself constantly reminding couples that many couples have problems with no "solutions," but that successful couples are able to develop strategies for understanding and managing their problems so that they feel surmountable.
In the film you say, "We have no idea what we're getting into when we get married." Please expand on that thought.
You know, marriage is really the only project we undertake in our lives that we anticipate to sustain for five,
six, seven decades without interruption or major modification. No career choice, no major life decision, not even parenting, carries the same expectations. But does anyone really know what will befall us--as individuals or couples--over the course of fifty years or more? A wise friend of mine once advised, "We should get re-married to our spouses every ten years, because, by then, you're married to a different person."
What are some of your observations about happily-married couples? What do they do right and what can we learn from them?
I think my comment (above) about developing "management strategies" for problems or issues as opposed to seeking "solutions" is applicable here. I also have seen that most happily married couples acknowledge that paying attention--to each other, to the marriage--on a day-to-day basis is far more important than a big anniversary gift or a grand gesture only periodically. Simple, sustained acts of kindness, without prompting and without hope or expectation of reciprocal reward, seem to promote deeper satisfaction and generate love and compassion within marriage.
You also say, "if we took away the struggle/challenge of marriage there would be no mountain to scale" –please explain.
That's probably true of any enterprise we undertake in our lives. Surmounting challenges yields deeper perspective, empathy, and mutual understanding. Most worthwhile projects require sacrifices of time, energy, and a measure of our sanity. But without sacrifice and struggle, life can feel flat and dull.
How do you counsel couples who are struggling to keep their marriage together?
Therapy, therapy, therapy. I am a strong proponent of therapy both for individuals and couples, and I have a small but carefully curated list of trusted professionals whom I refer to congregants struggling in marriage. But the key is to acknowledge when we need help and not to allow preconceived notions about therapy or our unrealistic expectations of marriage get in the way of asking for help. As a spiritual leader I meet with struggling individuals or couples frequently; but usually after a couple of sessions the most helpful thing I can do is to refer them to a skilled professional in this area. By the way, therapy can be a great tool for maintenance or improvement of a relationship in which the couple is not struggling but would like to think about long-term issues or would simply like to experience growth.
In the movie you say, "The wedding is day one, and it's the easiest day to make happy. You've just thrown a ton of money at it, and liquor. A marriage is hard to make happy because when you throw a ton of money and liquor at it, it often makes things worse." Why does money make marriage difficult?
Money is the number one cause of friction in marriages. Often, individuals who have become accustomed to managing their finances on their own are unprepared to join their financial picture with another person. Often it creates an imbalance of power, which can lead to behaviors such as secrecy or dishonesty. Sometimes, for example, a bride or groom enters marriage not fully realizing that his/her partner is carrying substantial debt; in other cases, couples have different priorities about spending and saving; and because money is often a source of stress for individuals, it can amplify the general stress on the marriage. Successful management of this component requires transparency and regular communication not only about bank accounts, but about priorities. I once heard it said that "the most important book in your house is your checkbook." How true! Most people don't realize this, but it contains a written record of your priorities, so problems that couples experience with money often reveal deeper incompatibilities about life priorities.
Do you see more/less confidence in the institution of marriage than you did ten years ago?
I think that marriage continues to be a fundamental institution in American life; however, sociological studies are showing that fewer people are choosing to marry than ever before in America, and those who are marrying tend to get married later in life. This is leading to a shift in norms for career, gender roles, and parenting. It's all fascinating to observe.
See what's on the screen at the Jacob Burns Jewish Film Festival here.
Your Chance to Perform for Broadway Master Martin Charnin!
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Calling all aspiring child actresses ... especially those who dream of playing Annie on Broadway: Here's your chance to audition before none other than Broadway Director Martin Charnin.
On April 10th at 7 PM, Mr. Charnin will be giving a talk on musical theater and six to eight lucky winners of a video audition will be brought up on stage to perform their song choice for Mr. Charnin and get feedback from him. The event is part of the "Creating Broadway" series, the White Plains Performing Arts Center (WPPAC) where Mr. Charnin will be the first guest.
Mr. Charnin is the award-winning writer, director, and lyricist of Broadway's ANNIE and has played a major role in 85 other productions including ANNIE WARBUCKS. A master of Broadway, Mr. Charnin has been bringing shows to the Great White Way for 45 years and counting and he has directed ANNIE a total of 19 times. Only ticket holders can submit a video audition and the deadline is April 7th at 5 PM.
I had an opportunity to sit down with Martin Charnin and ask this legendary man about his life and his successes as well as his challenges. He asked me to come to his house for the interview and when I entered his office I was happy I was invited. It was as if I had stepped inside a Broadway-themed museum. Signed posters were everywhere and awards of all types (Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Drama Desk, and more) covered his shelves. I turned down a drink from his lovely and gracious wife, Shelly Burch, but I'm sure it would have been served in one of the many various ANNIE mugs displayed. A well-fed, friendly cat hovered at my feet and relished the attention of a stranger. Mr. Charnin truly lit up during the interview when he talked about going to see amateur (e.g. school) productions of ANNIE. He really does attend these when he has the chance, so invite him!
Here's a recap of our discussion:
What was your inspiration for writing ANNIE?
I went out and got the option for the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" in 1971 and wrote the manuscript based on that. It took a year and a half to write and I really wanted to direct what I wrote. When you write a show, you have to step into the shoes of every character and become that individual. The show has to have entertainment value, production value, and you have to be able to get from one scene to the next. Sometimes the lyrics are pure character, sometimes pure entertainment; hopefully they are so embedded in the script that if you took them out, you wouldn't know what the play's about. Funding was hard to come by initially. Comic strip musicals had been unsuccessful up until ANNIE. I explained to people that it was about a real person with real feelings- a real girl with spunk and optimism. The show's really a tap on the shoulder to all the cynics in the world.
Did you ever expect the response to ANNIE to be what it was, both immediately and now so many years after the original Broadway production?
After awhile it became an undeniable hit, but it didn't start out that way. You don't just sit down and decide to write a hit- if you do that you'll fail. The public is the arbiter. They're the ones who decide; they either embrace it or they don't. Critics play a big role because you have to get through the critics to get to the public. Advertising is so expensive, so you really need reviews. Some of the shows on Broadway this year have gotten terrible reviews but they have gigantic advertising budgets. Nobody keeps reading reviews but people keep on reading quotes. Critics are very important on day one, but on day five the audiences themselves make up their minds about the show. Word of mouth is also very important.
How did you get to where you are today, professionally?
I started out as an actor. I was in the original company of WEST SIDE STORY and shortly after the run I realized that I wouldn't be happy only acting, doing the same thing night after night after night. Your responsibility as an actor is to maintain your performance and that wasn't for me. I wanted to go deeper and I wanted to be on the creative side of things creating shows. So I began to write and ultimately direct. Before ANNIE I wrote TWO BY TWO with Richard Rodgers, HOT SPOT with Mary Rodgers...I wrote a lot of shows that preceded ANNIE. I've produced and directed for television but television isn't a place that original musicals live comfortably. The shows I've done have been variety television shows. We won a total of 28 Emmys for those.
What do you think about the success of a show like GLEE?
GLEE is a like a morphed musical. It's fine up until the time it becomes preposterous. After the third season they seemed to run out of logic and reality. The kids are 25 and still in high school. But I celebrate any show that celebrates musical theater, so I applaud them. I don't like shows like SMASH. They presented a really distorted view of how theater is done. It showed poor taste and shows like that give theater writing and production a bad reputation.
Do you ever sit through amateur productions of ANNIE and what do you love most about it (if anything!)?
I do! And I just love that kids are still doing it. I'm in heaven watching kids in school productions of ANNIE doing their interpretations of anything I've written, or really anything anyone has written. A kids' version of THE KING AND I is just breathtaking. I love seeing kids embracing the characters in a musical. I think it's great. I go any chance I get. The licensing organizations have junior versions of a lot of these shows now for the younger performances and younger audiences. It allows the kids in the show as well as the audience to bet entertained for the entire hour and limits any more adult themes.
How do you feel about the Hollywood (film) versions of ANNIE?
Hollywood paid us well for the rights, but what they end up doing, invariably, is coming up short. They always think they can improve a theatrical piece for a movie. There has never been a proper translation from the stage musical to the screen and the alterations are, in my opinion, the reason that the movies have never been as successful as the play.
Was your direction of the 35th anniversary production of ANNIE on Broadway different than others you've directed?
I was actually very unhappy with the most recent Broadway production of ANNIE. It's a huge part of why I wanted to do this national tour. They darkened the production and took a lot of the heart and the soul out of the production along with some of the humor. There were parts that were terrific but it was overproduced. I thought it was time to return to the original and so began the most recent national tour. This tour has gotten the most stunning, brilliant reviews throughout its 20-city tour. We just booked a second year and it will start in Bogota, Columbia then go on for a second year and maybe even a third.
What advice would you give to someone who wants to follow in your footsteps?
If you want to write, you need to keep writing, just keep writing. You need to figure out a way to say the same thing a different way. There are a billion ways to say/sing "I love you," but a lyricist needs to find a new, interesting, creative way to say it that audiences will love.
What are some of your favorite Broadway shows?
I love the works of Rodgers and Hammerstein; I like some contemporary shows; then there are some shows I just don't get. I'm still moved by Yul Brynner singing "The King" in THE KING AND I. Sometimes I just don't understand how people are moved by a show like SPRING AWAKENING. The thing that's wonderful about Broadway is that on one end of the street they're doing SWEENEY TODD and at the other end they're doing ANNIE and that's what Broadway should be, something to suit everyone's taste.
What are your current projects?
At the moment I'm consumed with casting the second year tour of ANNIE. I'm also working on a musical about part of the legend of Robin Hood and I'm working on a revival of an old musical I did with Richard Rodgers called TWO BY TWO about Noah and the ark.
Why should people come here you speak next week?
You'll hear some great stories and if you audition, you'll have a chance to have me take you through a musical theater audition. Sometimes I find an actor that way, I really do! Someone who surfaces out of the clear blue sky and is somebody who goes on a very short list of someone I would use or recommend. It never gets old for me and I'm really excited about the event.
You need to purchase a ticket in order to send in a musical theater audition video and you need to be a minimum of 14 years old to be considered. Videos are due April 7th (Tuesday) by 5 PM. Applicants will need to be available for a rehearsal prior to the show on April 10th.
Scarsdale Woman Presents Painting to Indian Prime Minister
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Scarsdale resident and Belgian-raised Indian artist, Shreya Mehta was recently invited to the Indian Parliament house in Delhi, India to present her painting, The Sweeper, to the Honorable Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi. It all began when Shreya wrote a letter to Narendra Modi's office highlighting why she would like to present the painting to him. She immediately received a call from his office and soon after travelled to Delhi with her husband Amish to meet Mr. Modi. The meeting was inspirational not just for Shreya but Mr. Modi also got inspired by her and the artwork and wrote a poem for her in return.
Commenting on this achievement, Shreya Mehta said, "'Big changes come with small steps' - this is what Mr. Narendra Modi said at Madison Square Garden and the thought really inspired me. With the launch of the Swachh Bharat Mission (which is a clean India project) I believe Modi is the visible embodiment of my artwork The Sweeper. His personal and professional achievements are a perfect representation of leadership and this beautiful vision. I am honored to gift him my artwork."
100% of the net proceeds from the sale of Mehta's artworks go to charity. Shreya believes there is a direct connection between art, human emotions, and helping people. She teams up with charitable organizations that have proven track records and those that resonate with her. One of her earliest artworks, "The Blessed One", was a painting of a pregnant woman basking in the sun. A childless patron bought the piece and the money raised went to support Trisha, a 5-year-old girl in the Shri Ratnachanraji Jain Kanyashala Trust in Mumbai. The trust empowers women by providing free education, midday meals and skill training to underprivileged women from 5 years till postgraduate. All of Trisha's basic needs are met, allowing her to focus on her dream of becoming a doctor.
Shreya currently lives in Scarsdale and recently held a solo art exhibition at the Indian Consulate of New York where she represented Gujarat for their State-by-State Initiative. To see her work and learn more about the charities she helps, visit her website here: www.shreyamehta.com
Here is a translation of the poem by Mr. Modi:
Blessings to Artist Shreya -from an Art Devotee....
Art is Worship and not just a ritual.
Here, there is a trilogy of mediums, devotion and achievement flowing from the brush.
Art conquers destruction.
Art is blessed with Immortality.
N. MODI 4.03.15
My Trip to Angola
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I had never heard a noise quite like it. A sharp, blazing howl echoed around the room as it shook the cracked ceiling. All was motionless, and for a moment, the only thing that could be heard was an explosion of tears. I shivered. But then in an instant, there was movement again, a rapid shuffling around, murmurs of consolation, whimpers of pain, a few touches of empathy. The dead baby was then quickly carried away, and all was back to normal.
When I first told my teachers a few weeks ago that I was missing school for a week to go to Angola, they were less upset than just highly confused, because—let's be real—who misses a week of school to go to Angola? Nonetheless, I assured them it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But in reality I had no idea what Angola would be like. I imagined the capital, Luanda, to be filled with the usual developing world features—bustling streets, makeshift roads, overcrowded sidewalks, traditional music, and cheap goods. I consider myself fairly well-traveled, yet both the horrors and delights of Angola did not cease to leave a deep impression.
My dad and I arrived in Angola mid-afternoon, and the 80-degree weather was a nice shift from the spring snow showers of New York. As we bustled through the streets of downtown Luanda on the way to our hotel, the first thing I thought of was how guilty I felt about complaining about the potholes on Post Road, as the potholes here left me in a constant nauseating suspension above my seat. Yet our hotel was relatively close to the airport so nothing at first glance about the city really shocked me in any way, and I was just excited to get to the hotel to sleep, exhausted from over 20 hours of flying. When we got inside our hotel, I felt as though I had never left New York; the grand and immaculate lobby seemed all too upscale and out of place. When we got to the hotel dinner buffet, it was $75 per person; you could say I was just a tad shocked.
A local translator explained to us that Angola was rich in resources—in oil, diamonds, iron, yet the government was horrendously corrupt, meaning that the president's daughter was the continents youngest billionaire ever, yet the country had the highest child mortality rate. Over the week, we hopped from hospital to hospital, village to village, family to family, exposing ourselves to the culture and the horrors of poverty. It left me stunned, and shivering with horror, indignant for change. I used to be a bit squeamish, turning away at graphic Grey's Anatomy scenes and becoming lightheaded upon seeing my blood being taken. But seeing dozens of babies with life-threatening malnutrition, cobra-bitten feet, and gory skin diseases gradually made me accustomed in a way that I never wanted to be.
As we entered the first hospital we visited, just outside the city, I glimpsed a seemingly endless row of mothers cradling their sick babies, terrified, yet hopeful of what the next day may bring them. Some traveled hours to get there, scraping together their last savings, some even selling valuables in order to get transportation for this proper medical care. Unfortunately, these were the lucky ones as well—almost half of the population cannot access any kind of professional medical care their whole lives. Some mothers pointed me out to their children, as I waved, held out my hand, high fived, and laughed with them. One by one, a mother would be called up to see the doctor, so he could quickly stick in an IV, or hand over some pills, before moving on to the next child, possibly his hundredth in that day. I passed a young mother nursing her 11-month old baby boy, José, and enveloping him in blankets. She kept looking up, as if praying for a miracle. I smiled at her in an attempt to reassure her that José was strong, that he will fight through his deathly disease, and that she will one day be able to watch him grow up and become a man that she will be so proud to have raised. Across from José was a 2-year old girl, named Ana, who kept holding out her hand for me to hold. Whenever I turned away, she would call out to me so that we could continue laughing and high-fiving. Just as I was thinking about how adorable Ana was and how I wanted to take her home with me, I heard the shrill.
I instantly felt a dagger in my spine as I started physically shaking. I knew what had happened before we even rushed into the hospital room, where a baby boy was lying motionless on the bed as the doctor was compressing his chest with hopes of reviving him. I stood in the back, frozen with terror, as I watched a mother, wailing as she blurted out tribal prayers to bring her son back to life. And then I noticed that the lifeless boy on the bed was José, the boy I had seen just minutes before, cradled in his mothers arms in the waiting area. My maternal instincts kicked in and I felt the mother's pain, as the doctor simply shook his head, and left the room. I had never witnessed a baby die before my very eyes, and I hope in God's name that I never have to ever again.
The rest of the week brought more hospital visits, but also more optimism, as we journeyed across the country and tasted the unique culture and charm that the country had to offer. Though what I had witnessed earlier in the week still haunted me, it didn't define my trip, as there was another side to Angola. At one point we drove hours in our landmine-proof van on small side roads, through small rivers (this van endured a LOT), and up rocky slopes so we could try to visit some of the remote villages in the middle of nowhere. I met girls my age who were fun and bubbly, yet had never been to a day of school in their lives. Some of the villagers we came across had never heard of the United States, and had never been outside their village. One mother we met had had fifteen kids in total, and lost ten of them, yet could still have faith in God, and wanted to see her village thrive. I watched the young children run around, chasing their goats, and climbing their thatched roofs as a way to pass time, all giggling and getting along. It was a beautiful sight.
I had seen more in that week than I could have ever imagined, and my takeaway is easily indignation at the horrific corruption that is resulting in a horrific number of malnourished and diseased babies. But I will also always remember Ana, smiling as she reached out to hold my hand, and the village children laughing around in the midday African heat—both still able to find joy and purpose, in a life that has brought them too much misfortune and grief.
Remembering Elsie Smoler and Kerry Ben-David
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Elsie Rubenstein Smoler died in her sleep on March 7, 2015, a few weeks after turning 90. After graduating from Erasmus High and Adelphi College, Elsie worked at WNEW and Mademoiselle before marrying Irwin Smoler in 1950. For more than 50 years, the Smoler's lived in Scarsdale where they raised their three children, Fred, Michael, and Arlene. Elsie Smoler served on the School Board and was President of the Board in 1987-88. Her picture still hangs in the Board of Education room at SHS today. In 1995, the Scarsdale Foundation awarded her the Scarsdale Bowl for service to the town, including presidency of the School Board. Her son, Fred Paul Smoler is the Adda Bozeman Professor of International Relations at Sarah Lawrence College and served as a contributing editor to American Heritage Magazine.
Longtime resident Evelyn Stock had this to say about Elsie Smoler; "Elsie was a truly kind, caring person, extremely intelligent and willing to ask the tough questions. She gave a lot to Scarsdale in many areas, most notably on the Scarsdale School Board where she served as president and the Scarsdale Adult School board which she chaired. She was a good friend."
Cantor Kerry Ben-David:
Cantor Kerry Ben-David, Cantor Emeritus of Scarsdale Synagogue Temples Tremont and Emanu-El and Cantor of the Jewish Family Congregation in Lewisboro died of a heart attack on February 25, 2015. Ben-David was the beloved cantor at Scarsdale Synagogue from 1985 to 2005.
He is survived by his wife, Batyah Godfrey Ben-David, his loving and musical children, Adam Ben-David, Sheera Miller Ben-David, his devoted son-in-law, Steven Miller, and grandchildren, Baxter Miller and Shadow Miller.
Funeral services were held at Scarsdale Synagogue on Friday February 27, 2015, and he was buried at Sharon Gardens.
On a memorial blog about Ben-David, one SSTTE congregant remembered him this way. "When I think of Kerry one word comes to mind- "joy!" Pure unadulterated joy. For that's what he was. It is what he was as a person: It is what he exuded as a spiritual leader. And it was his very unique contagion. For he brought to his cantorial calling great music, and a great voice. But he brought to it something far more meaningful. He brought to it his soul. And we, a struggling congregation in the early 80's were the blessed recipients of this spiritual windfall."
Kerry trained my three children for their Bar and Bat Mitzvah's and single-handedly bar mitzvahed my first child when the rabbi fell ill at the last minute. With no rabbi on the bima, Kerry let my son lead the service and it was a pleasant surprise for all. Our entire family can attest to Kerry's warmth, jovial nature and love of music. When Kerry was in attendance at the synagogue, the event was instantly fun. He imparted his musical talents to his children Adam, who is now a Broadway conductor and Sheera who serves as cantor of Temple Israel in NYC. As the two grew up we were often treated to their performances as well.
Kerry was truly one of a kind. He was born to Irish parents and named Kerry McDevitt, and ultimately became Cantor Ben-David. He may be the first and last Irish cantor we will know.
Donations may be made in Cantor Ben-David's honor and memory to the American Red Cross (www.redcross.org), where he and Batya spent so many years volunteering. Remembrances can be made on the SSTTE blog page.
