Marital Therapists Offer Advice on Tuning Up Your Marriage
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Last week, marital therapists and educators Phil Lee MD and Diane Rudolph MD led a well-attended workshop at the Scarsdale Adult School on "What Makes Marriage Work". We followed up with this interview with Phil and Diane to share some of their insights with you.
Scarsdale 10583: What are the biggest misconceptions about marital therapy?
Diane: "There is a common misconception that marital therapy is only for marriages in distress. Nothing could be further from the truth. While it is true that that marital therapy can make failing marriages into successful ones, it is equally true that C+ marriages can quickly become B+ marriages, and A- marriages can become A+ marriages.
Phil: Another misconception is that marital therapy has to take a long time. Many marriages benefit from 4-6 sessions of an empirically derived focused therapy. The better the marriage the quicker it can markedly improve.
Scarsdale10583: You mentioned in your talk that 80% of the time the man is the one who is reluctant to engage in any kind of therapy. Why is that?
Phil: The 80% figure is true for marriages in significant distress, and it is true for high functioning marriages. Many men anticipate marital therapy will be touchy-feely, overly emotional, and lead to further argument. Our therapy is more like taking a golf or tennis lesson if you want to get better. But marriage is a game we are thrown into without instruction and often without having had the opportunity to see the best players perform.
Diane: Research by Dr. John Gottman, author of the best selling book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," has shown the behaviors that are associated with success, and has revealed the behaviors that are associated with failure. The higher the percentage of good behaviors the happier and more satisfying the marriage.
Phil: Many of the keys to success are not intuitive, but the research is impeccable, and adopting some behaviors while abandoning others can lead to sudden and dramatic increase in marital satisfaction, for men as well as women. I mentioned that 80% of men are reluctant to try to improve marriage, but men are just as satisfied with the results as are women.
Scarsdale 10583: What is one tip you can share with our readers that will help their marriages?
Diane: We can minimize the cycle of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling that characterize many marital arguments. But even the best marriages sometimes have arguments. It is very important to be able to end the argument.
Phil: Arguments end when both partners take some responsibility for the argument. Suppose Diane says "I'm sorry I yelled at you about taking out the trash. I've been really irritable." If I say "yeah, you sure have been in a mood," then the whole thing starts up again. If I instead say, "Well, I really overreacted to your yelling," – then the argument ends. Everybody has to take some responsibility.
Scarsdale 10583: In the workshop you gave some practical advice on how to communicate productively to resolve conflicts.
Phil: Yes – we suggest beginning the discussion with what Gottman calls a "soft start-up." What does that mean? For starters, don't blame your spouse for the problem. Just say that you're upset, or that you feel that it could be handled better. For example rather than saying, "You are careless with money," say, "I want us to save more."
Scarsdale 10583: That is really helpful – obvious after you see it but like you said, not intuitively obvious.
Diane Rudolph MD and Phil Lee MD are the Co-heads of Marital Therapy at Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York City, where they teach marital therapy to the psychiatry residents. They have offices in Greenwich and on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They can be reached at 212-734-3424 or by email at PhillipLeeMD@gmail.com or DRudolphMD@gmail.com.
They are married in real life and reside in White Plains, N.Y.
A Family Haggadah Links the Exodus with the Holocaust
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Why will this Passover be different from all other Passovers for three generations of the Wolloch family? This year, Michael Wolloch, the son of Holocaust survivors Helene and Zygfryd Wolloch, will share a unique family treasure in an exhibit at Temple Israel Center in White Plains. The Wolloch Haggadah, originally published in 1984, will be the subject of a show at the temple from April 17 – May 5, to commemorate Passover, the exodus of the Jewish people from Egypt and the parallel story of the emergence of the Wolloch family from war-torn Poland, concentration camps and the Nazis.
Growing up in Fox Meadow, Michael Wolloch knew that he and his three brothers were very fortunate to be living in Scarsdale. Three of his four grandparents had perished in the Holocaust, and his parents only narrowly escaped the same fate. Wolloch's parents, Helene and Zygfryd, met in Vienna where they were both trying to leave Europe and married quickly when they were reunited in New York City in 1947. From there, Zygfryd prospered in the real estate business and moved his family from NYC, to New Rochelle and ultimately to Scarsdale.
They were a family 
of art lovers and Wolloch built a formidable private collection over his lifetime, some of which has been donated to institutions like Montefiore and the Tel Aviv Museum. However, the Wolloch's wished to create their own legacy to honor their family members who died in the Holocaust. In 1981 they commissioned a Haggadah, and asked their cousin David Wander to do the illustrations and calligrapher Yonah Weinrib to inscribe it.
The result was a beautiful limited edition portfolio that includes 56 hand drawn silkscreens and photo lithographic images that bridge the traditional Passover story with the events of the Holocaust. The illustrations juxtapose the Star of David against the yellow stars that the Nazis required Jews to wear. The Red Sea is swimming with drowning Egyptians and swastikas and another page with text about the ten plagues is illustrated with the burning smokestack at a concentration camp.
Only 290 of the oversized portfolios with numbered color prints were produced. Nine were given to the artists, 31 distributed to the family and others were donated to major libraries and religious institutions. A copy now sits in the Rare Book, Manuscript and Special Collection Library at Duke University and another at the White House. Some are still available for sale, and the proceeds from those sales will go to Temple Israel.
The Wolloch Haggadah was also printed in book form in English and in German, so that families can use them to lead their own Seders.
Michael Wolloch and his mother Helene Wolloch, who both live in Scarsdale today, say that the exhibit is their way of passing this Haggadah on to the next generation with the message that we should never forget. Speaking about the Haggadah and the upcoming exhibit, Wolloch says, "L'dor Vador," which means from generation to generation.
The public is invited to view the exhibit of the Haggadah at the opening on Sunday April 17, 2016 from 1-3:00 pm or see them during temple hours from April 17 – May 5.
Temple Israel Center
280 Old Mamaroneck Road
White Plains, NY 10605
(914) 948-2800 ext. 143
email: n.parkes@templeisraelcenter.org
Tickets On Sale for the Scarsdale Bowl Through April 3rd
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Tickets to the 2016 Scarsdale Bowl Dinner honoring Susie Rush will be available through April 3rd. The entire community is invited to attend this uplifting and inspirational event celebrating the spirit of volunteerism in our Village. The dinner takes place on Wednesday evening, April 13, at The Fountainhead in New Rochelle beginning at 6:30 pm. Reservations can be made online here. For additional information, please e-mail scarbowl@gmail.com.
(Here is the original announcement)
Susie Rush, an extraordinary citizen with over 18 years of dedicated volunteerism to Scarsdale, will be the 2016 recipient of the Scarsdale Bowl, the community's highest award.
The Scarsdale Bowl was initiated in 1943 to recognize an individual's outstanding contributions to the civic life of Scarsdale. "We are fortunate to have so many community members give their time to our town and we have so many stars, but Susie is the supernova of volunteers," said Michelle Lichtenberg, the Chairman of the Scarsdale Bowl Committee. Rush has served on dozens of organizations and committees in Scarsdale and beyond. "Her selfless contribution of time and energy to our community, and her ability to welcome and cultivate new volunteers, epitomizes the principles symbolized by the Bowl. We are delighted to recognize her as this year's honoree," said Lichtenberg.
Rush will be honored at the Scarsdale Bowl dinner on Wednesday evening, April 13 at The Fountainhead in New Rochelle. Lichtenberg encourages all members of the community to attend and notes that the event is both uplifting and inspirational celebrating the spirit of volunteerism in our Village. Reservations can be made online at www.scarsdalefoundation.org. Scarsdale residents may also receive a written invitation by e-mailing scarbowl@gmail.com.
The Bowl Committee, a diverse group of 15 community volunteers, selects the recipient after reviewing many worthy candidates who are nominated by the community.
Last Sunday evening, the Committee voted to honor
Rush. Delegates from the Bowl Committee, including Chairman Michelle Lichtenberg, Scarsdale Foundation President Evelyn Stock, Foundation Liaison Jane Veron, Foundation Secretary/Treasurer Robert Jeremiah and Committee Members Anne Lyons and Felicia Block, went to Rush's Quaker Ridge home to break the good news. It appeared that no one was home when the group arrived, so they approached the dark house, with cameras and cell phones in hand, hopeful that she was in another section of the home. As luck would have it, Rush came down stairs from watching the final minutes of the Packers vs. Redskins game. She did not seem as if she wanted to open the door, in case they were a group soliciting at such as odd hour, and when she finally recognized the group, she was too overcome to let the group in. Within a few moments, the representatives filled her entryway, but Rush momentarily hid in the shadow to recover from the shock. The always-eloquent Rush was just about able to say, "Make up a good quote!" With her hands covering most of her face she added, "I am so overwhelmed and honored. I don't even know what to say."
Rush has a long distinguished record of volunteer service to Scarsdale and the outside community. Currently she is the Treasurer and Trustee of the Scarsdale Foundation, and a member of the Scarsdale Coalition on Family Violence, the board of the Scarsdale Task Force on Drugs and Alcohol, and the Advisory Board of Scarsdale Edgemont Family Counseling Service.
She also currently serves as a moderator of the League of Women Voters of Westchester. From 2013 to 2015, Rush was President of the League of Women of Scarsdale, and an active part of their board for eleven years. One LWVS member told a Bowl Committee member, "...even though she is no longer President of the LWVS, she is still the bright light behind the scenes that makes our community the special place it is."
Among her long list of past civic activities, Rush was Quaker Ridge PTA President and President of the Scarsdale PT Council. She was an active member of the Scarsdale High School PTA Scholarship Fund for College, chairing the group. Her commitment to the Scarsdale school system continued as part of the Scarsdale School Board Nominating Committee, where she also acted as chair.
In her work with Scarsdale schools, as with all her volunteer posts, Rush is described as intelligent, creative, hard working, and courageous. During her term as PT Council President, Anne Lyons recalled, "...she advocated for the Quaker Ridge bond when it was discovered that there was beach sand in the foundation. This was controversial...[but] Susie did her research and, many feel, acted in the best interest of the community."
Rush has served on numerous boards and committees throughout Scarsdale and beyond including, but not limited to Kids' B.A.S.E. and The Little School, Scarsdale Teen Center Adult Board, STEP Board, the Scarsdale Forum, the League of Women Voters of Westchester, and the Scarsdale Teachers Institute Policy Board. As Jane Veron noted, "Susie does it all. She sets the highest standards for herself and takes on the most challenging, important, and demanding jobs. She pours every ounce of herself into her community work... Susie is the gold standard in both analytics and the written world. She works tirelessly and cares deeply about Scarsdale."
Rush received her B.A. cum laude from Smith College and a J.D. from the University of Pennsylvania Law School, where she was the recipient of the David Werner Amram Prize. She is currently a Legislative Analyst in the office of New York State Assemblywoman Amy Paulin. Previously, she was a partner with Lowenthal, Landau, Fischer & Ziegler, P.C., where she practiced corporate and securities law in New York City, and served as General Counsel to Datalogix, Inc. in Valhalla, New York.
Rush's greatest joy is her family. She lives with her husband of 27 years, Andy, and has two sons, David, in his third year of a Ph.D. program at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Jonathan, a junior at Yale University.
Please join the Bowl Committee on April 13th at The Fountainhead to honor Scarsdale's spirit of volunteerism and Susie Rush.
Scrubs, Scarsdale Style
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On a typical Wednesday night, when my senior friends were curled up watching Netflix to escape the pressure of the last few months of high school, I never expected to find myself wrapping my hands around a human colon in the pathology lab at White Plains Hospital.
The White Plains Hospital High School Clinical Tutorial program provides twelve juniors and seniors with exposure to sixteen specialties of medicine over six months. Each week's two-hour session includes a lecture and discussion as well a hands-on experience. The twelve students, who come from Scarsdale, White Plains, Byram Hills, and Harrison, were selected by their schools' science departments to participate in this unique program. Many of the students already know they would like to pursue medicine as a career, and each shared their interests on the first day.
Endocrine Surgeon Dr. Kaare Weber, who organized the program, was impressed by the group's ambition. Some students had already decided which specialty they wanted to pursue. Surrounded by hopeful neurosurgeons and gastrological oncologists, I was one of the few who may not want to go to medical school at all. By exploring a range of subspecialties from trauma to microbiology, the program appealed to my own interests in public health and biotechnology, serving my future aspirations in the field of national security. Regardless of each student's distinct interests, the program has been an opportunity to begin considering the lifestyles that would make us happy, and the kinds of livelihoods found in science, research, and medicine. Each guest speaker has made clear that there is no one path best fit the students' visions for their future. These are an important conversations to have as a high school senior, and ones that do not take place often enough in our schools.
Flipping through a college course catalog leaves many ambitious college freshmen feeling like kids in a candy store, not knowing where to begin. The WPH program offers high school students the exposure that will be necessary to make informed decisions as they begin to navigate their career paths on a college campus, giving students experience to rely on while considering the multitude of choices before them.
After the first lecture on anesthesia, students looked at their carotid arteries on an UltraSound and passed around a series of daunting needles. To truly understand the current practices in surgery, we visited the operating room. Feeling like Meredith Grey as I slipped into scrubs, I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to see the inside of an OR, fortunately not as a patient, but as a curious student of science. Inside, students took turns testing laparoscopic surgery instruments out on a real patient on the operating table: a Mr. Potato Head stuffed with gummy worms and skittles to represent target organs.
Having read about the famous minimally invasive surgery daVinci robot during weekly nerdy indulgences in the Science Times, I never expected to have the chance to use one as a seventeen-year-old. Students had a chance to complete a simulation on the machine and compete against each other for the best score. Scoring 52%, I would have had a steep malpractice claim.
At some time or another, every high school student has felt burdened by "busy work" or has lost interest in a subject that is, to some, "useless in real life." Whether students are unmotivated and passive, or energetic and driven, programs like this promote appreciation for coursework. In Scarsdale's push for new, alternative forms of teaching, each SHS student should be offered the opportunity to learn outside the classroom. In my view, SHS should continue to seek out hands-on programs to help students of all academic interests find something that inspires and excites them.
Carly Glickenhaus is a senior at Scarsdale High School.
Julius Reich Arraigned in Westchester County Court
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Acting Westchester County District Attorney James A. McCarty announced on Tuesday March 8 that Julius Reich age 62 of 50 Lincoln Road in Scarsdale has been arraigned on an indictment charging him with:
• one count of Murder in the Second Degree, a class "A-1" Felony,
• one count of Criminal Possession of a Weapon in the Fourth Degree, a class "A" Misdemeanor
in the death of Robin Goldman, M.D.
"In what can only be described as an ambush, the defendant, as alleged in the indictment, entered the bathroom while his wife was showering and repeatedly stabbed her to death. The two were in the process of divorcing but remained living in the same residence," said Acting District Attorney McCarty.
On January 20, 2016 between 8:00 am and 10:10 am the defendant entered the upstairs bathroom of the home while the victim was taking a shower.
Using an 8-inch kitchen knife, Reich stabbed the victim 22 times resulting in wounds to the hands, chest, abdomen and back. She suffered punctures to her lung, heart, diaphragm, liver and kidney. She died at the scene.
At the conclusion of the attack, the defendant went downstairs. Sometime later he called 911. Responding Scarsdale Police officers discovered the victim's body. The defendant was placed under arrest."
Reich appeared in court with his attorney John Pappalardo on March 8 and pleaded not guilty to the charges. He also signed a series of protective orders. He remains in jail.
His next court appearance will be on April 5th, 2016.
He faces an indeterminate term of imprisonment, a maximum of which is 25 years to life in state prison.
