Parenting Tech-Savvy Kids
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- Written by Barbara Kapetanakes
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This article was written for Scarsdale10583 by Barbara Kapetanakes, PsyD.
I heard through the grapevine recently that one of our local school districts had to deal with the malicious use of new technology. Just a day after one of my adolescent patients told me about YikYak, a new anonymous social media app, someone used it to make a threatening comment and the school was put on alert. While many of these anonymous social media outlets monitor their sites for threatening or inappropriate content and remove it, they obviously cannot do this immediately, and with social media being what it is, information flies through cyberspace in seconds, making the process of removing content too little, too late. Even if it's a prank, which it usually is, there is wasted time, manpower, and angst spent trying to find the source and ascertain safety.
There are other anonymous apps as well such as Whisper and Secret, as well as an app that allows people to
share pictures or comments for only a few seconds before they disappear, called Snapchat, which many teens use for sexting and sharing risqué pictures. Even with programs such as Facebook, a person can make up a fake persona to hide behind. Because of my profession I use Facebook with a fake name and keep my privacy settings how I want them, but I could easily have a half dozen accounts with different email addresses and use whatever pictures I want to create a persona. In fact, it is so easy to steal photos and other material off the Internet that not too long ago a teenager was arrested for taking pictures from a photographer's professional site and using them on her own blog where she lied to get sympathy. The photos were of the photographer's young son, but the teen used them claiming to be a woman in her 30s who had lost a child to cancer. She set up an entire site dedicated to this supposed dead child and blogged about her loss. The site caught the attention of other grieving parents as well as sympathetic souls wanting to provide support. Only by dumb luck did she get caught when a friend of the photographer was doing a web search for something and saw pictures of a familiar little boy.
Considering the amount of fraud that can go on online, as well as anonymous cyber-bullying, parents are often confused as to how to protect their children. For one thing, the kids seem to keep up with technology much more quickly than their parents, and by the time a parent learns about an app that may be of concern, the child is on to the next one. In addition, as kids get older they want and need more freedom so that they start to make their own decisions, engage in unsupervised activities, and otherwise get ready for the outside world. It's a very difficult line that parents have to walk—letting their kids grow up while trying to keep an eye on what's going on.
While technology is a far cry from what it was when most of today's parents were coming of age, the way that you would protect your child's safety and health is still very much the same. Though most kids use only their cell phones today rather than home phones, you can still keep track of who they are communicating with and what is happening in their lives. For one thing, you can take your child's gadgets away after a certain hour. Yes, some kids use their phones for an alarm clock, but there's a solution for that. It's called an alarm clock. While I may have tried to sneak in some late phone calls as a teenager, if I talked too loud I'd get caught. Today, kids can (and do!) text well past midnight, some texting virtually all night with friends, and their parents are none the wiser. Taking the phone at bedtime, unplugging the computer, and otherwise removing distractions makes it less likely that your child will be up during the night chatting online or sexting on Snapchat.
Presumably if your child has a phone and computer, you are paying for this. From time to time check the call and text logs by going into your account through the carrier's website to assess the amount and patterns of usage. Typically my mother answered the phone and took a message if I was not home, so she had some sense of who was calling, but today's parent can check the phone logs and see what numbers come up a lot, or at odd times. When did we become a society who has no idea who our kids are talking to because we all have our own personal phones and never use anyone else's? Which brings me to...
....pick up your child's phone if it rings. Isn't it strange that we live in a world where most of us would not pick up our spouse's, child's parent's, or sibling's telephone? What could be so personal? Barely a decade ago we shared phones with the rest of our families. If a call came in it could have been for anyone in the household, so anyone answered it. In fact, kids were often the first to go running for the phone hoping it was for them. Not too long ago a teen lamented to me that she had her phone taken away as punishment for something or other, so she was unable to call any friends because she only had their numbers in her phone. She needed to speak to a friend about a legitimate school concern and could not. I suggested that she find out the house number and call the friend there from her own home phone. She told me that this behavior was "sketchy," because no kids called to or from landlines anymore. Bizarre. Calling a phone where a parent might answer and your supposedly innocent call would be public knowledge is more "sketchy" than calling cell to cell where the call can be "Kept on the DL" as they say.
You can check the history on your computers and put parental controls in place so your child can't go to sites that would be inappropriate. Many families have computers in high-traffic areas of the house so that parents can casually glance at the screens while their children are using them. Also, with a parent close by, kids are less likely to hop onto a site or app and start sending inappropriate messages or get involved in bullying.
If you find out your child has gotten in over his head—whether by misusing social media or as the victim of cyber-bullying, treat it as you would the same situation without technology. What would you do if you found out your child was being bullied on the playground? What would you do if you found out that your child took a nude Polaroid and gave it to her boyfriend? Technology does complicate things, since the Polaroid may have been shared with a couple of kids in a locker room in the past, but the jpeg can now be sent to the entire school with the touch of a button. And while a bully on the playground is a known entity, a bully online could be anonymous or using another child's name. Don't be afraid to get the school involved, as they may have a handle on how best to do damage control—this is not likely to be the administration's first rodeo.
It's also very important to educate kids in the first place. I take many opportunities to pursue this topic when it comes up with kids I see in therapy. Most are not looking for trouble, they truly have no idea how much information they make available on the Internet. Think about prom and graduation season—how many beautiful photos do parents and kids take by the limo, in the cap and gown, in the beautiful dress and then post online? Has it ever crossed your mind that in those photos could be your home address, your license plate, the sign on the corner of your street? When you and your children post those pictures on social media, what privacy settings are used? Who can comment on them? Once, in doing a presentation for young children on Internet safety I showed them how easy it was to take something off the Internet and make trouble for someone by right-clicking and saving a photo off my cousin's Facebook. I then used an editing program to write insults on the photo. Then I went to strangers' pages and again "stole" their profile or other pictures, and downloaded them onto my computer. Once something is on the Internet it can be downloaded, and if your child has 1500 "friends" or "followers" all those people have access to that information. Educate your children about being careful and smart. Before posting a picture make sure there's no information you wouldn't want out there. You would freak out if your child gave out your home address, but what about those lovely brass numbers in the background behind the beaming graduate, or the street sign off to the side?
Parents often say "we live in a different world today" to justify helicoptering over their kids. Yes and no. We do live in a different world, a world where you can go online and find out if convicted sex offenders live in your town—that, to me, sounds like a safer world in some respects. Technology does make this world different, and it changes the way humans interact, including children and teens who are still working out social interactions and the nuances of relationships. Parenting has to keep up with new technology, but the bottom line is not that much different. When my parents put a separate phone number in my bedroom, that was the latest technology, and they continued to parent me as they had when we shared the one phone on the desk. Today's kids use newer and newer technology, but you should still be aware of the technology and supervise them as appropriate for their ages. Kids will always get things past their parents—that's reality—but don't underestimate parental intuition, benign snooping, or direct questioning. The same way my mother warned me not to keep my keys in my purse while riding the subway or walking around, since my purse contained ID and a mugger could run off with my address and keys, today's parent has to advise his children about how to remain safe in different, more modern circumstances. I STILL keep my keys separate from my wallet, and hopefully we will teach the next generation how to remain safe in the swirling eddy of the information superhighway. It's here to stay, so we may as well learn to coexist.
Dr. Kapetanakes is a psychologist practicing in Sleepy Hollow. She specializes in working with teens and young adults, school issues, divorce issues and divorce mediation, and neuropsychological evaluations.
Disclaimer: Although Dr. Kapetanakes is a board member and past president of the Westchester County Psychological Association (WCPA), the views in this article are hers and not the views of WCPA. WCPA is a professional organization of local psychologists that furthers the study and practice of psychology through workshops, meetings, community outreach, and involvement on state and national levels.
Finding the Perfect Sitter
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- Written by Stacie M. Waldman
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Though we'd all love the perfect babysitter to fly into our homes on an umbrella like Mary Poppins, finding one is not that easy. Moms often ask me where to find a good babysitter ... one that's available, on time, nice, neat, fun, cooks, nutritious meals, is a gentle disciplinarian and charges a reasonable rate. They want to know what questions to ask at the interview, what the going rate is in Scarsdale and if they're lucky enough to find a good sitter should they share their name with friends. So as the mom of two young kids who's often looking for help, here is what I have learned:
Resources for finding babysitters: The Scarsdale Y.E.S. (Youth Employment Services) office might be a good place for some to start if you're looking for a high school aged sitter. The Y.E.S. office allows you to place an ad for free and students looking for jobs can access the ads and contact you if they are interested. Both Iona College and Sarah Lawrence College offer parents the ability to list a babysitting job. Craigslist, Care.com and Sitter City allow for online searching for childcare; the latter two charge a search fee. Word of mouth is, of course, an option, although some people don't like to share babysitters (see more on this below). One Scarsdale mom of two kids with a third on the way said, "It can be challenging finding someone with interest, warmth, and free time." She has had successes finding sitters through her neighbors as well as care.com.
What to ask at the interview: A good rule of thumb is to phone screen all applicants before inviting them to come to the house to meet you and your children. Once the sitter gets to the house for the in-person interview, it's best to reserve that time to observe how they interact with the children. If you phone screen ahead of time, you can weed out the sitters who don't seem qualified. For example, I asked one potential sitter "What do you like about babysitting?" and got this reply --"Ummmmmm, ummmmmmmm, I dunno. I guess I think it's like a really easy way to make money." Needless to say, I told her I'd be in touch if I was interested (which I was not,) and saved myself from having her meet the kids. Some questions that could help you ascertain whether it's worth having someone come in for a face-to-face meeting are:
• What do you like about babysitting?
• What was your worst moment babysitting and how did you resolve it?
• How many years have you been working with children?
• How old were the children you babysat?
• Do you have your own transportation?
• Do you smoke?
• Do you know First Aid and CPR for infants/children?
• What would you do with the kids for a few hours during the day to make it fun?
• What do you think is the best way to handle tantrums? Discipline?
• Do you have references? (If the answer is yes, and if you're potentially interested in using this person as a sitter, it may be a good idea to check with the references before setting up a time to have the babysitter come to the house. )
• For infants: Do you have experience in bathing/feeding/diapering children?
Do you know about SIDS and how to prevent it? Are you familiar with Shaken Baby Syndrome? Do you know the proper size for baby chewables and how to prevent choking?
Last, if you have a set price you're willing to pay a babysitter, it's best to figure this out on the phone before they come meet your kids. If you are hoping to pay a high school student $10 an hour and he/she wants $15 an hour, there's no point in moving further along unless one or both of you are willing to budge with the price.
Great Expectations: Make sure you're clear about what you expect: Some moms feel that a babysitter should just babysit the kids; play, keep them safe, feed them if required, and get them to sleep at night. Other moms think a babysitter should be responsible for cleaning up toys and the kitchen if they made a meal. One Scarsdale mom cautioned, "I always set the expectations ahead of time so as not to be disappointed at the end of the night. If I ask the sitter to clean up the playroom after playing in it and do the kids dishes from dinner, then I expect that to be done- especially if the kids go to sleep and the sitter has down time."
Compensation: The million dollar (or twenty dollar, or ten dollar) question: How much do I pay a babysitter? Well, this is up for debate. In Scarsdale, the going rate for a high school babysitter is between $10-$12 an hour and some people even pay up to $15 an hour. One local mom who has four kids said, "I pay high school students $10 an hour to babysit my kids. The kids are usually asleep for a portion of the time and they're getting $10 cash an hour to watch TV. An ice cream store or a clothing store would pay minimum wage ($8 an hour) on the books and they'd have to commit to a schedule ahead of time. I feel the amount I pay is appropriate for what the job is and they can turn it down if they don't want it." Another mom told me that her son, a senior in high school, charges $10 an hour and she won't let him charge more than that because she thinks it's a fair amount for him to earn and the employer to pay. This question comes up on the Facebook page for Scarsdale Moms frequently and the range is always between $10-15. College-age sitters usually get $12-$18 an hour, and adult/post graduate sitters get anywhere from $15-$20 an hour, in general.
Should the amount depend on the number of kids or their behavior? Again, that's up for debate. One mom I spoke with said her kids are very difficult so she pays sitters a higher rate to get them to come back, whereas another mother said, "My kids are easy to babysit and they see a sitter as a treat. I do admit that I pay on the lower end but I also think it's a very easy job and a great way to make a nice chunk of cash for very little true 'work'." The majority of the moms I spoke with don't pay different amounts for more or less kids.
To share or not to share: Sharing a babysitter is a nice thing to do. If you're not using your regular sitter and a mom at preschool drop off mentions that she is desperate for one, should you offer a phone number? It sounds like a win-win, but several moms brought up issues with sitter-sharing. "It is really annoying when you share the name of your sitter with someone only to find out that they're paying her $20 an hour instead of the $15 you pay; then your babysitter comes back to you asking for more or becomes 'unavailable' because she's babysitting for the other family for more money." You may be able to get around this by politely requesting that the other family pay the same amount if you share her name, but that can only be controlled so much.
Another issue can arise if the person does not think of the sitter referral as a "one time offer" and starts using your sitter regularly, making her unavailable to you. Although it's "fair" in theory if the other person booked her first, it might still be irksome if you can't book your babysitter because she's down the street at your neighbor's again. If you're the one asking for a sitter referral, you can avoid this awkward interaction by proactively asking what your friend pays the sitter and sticking to that amount; likewise, if you like the sitter and want to continue using her, it would be good etiquette to check with the person who referred her to see if it's okay to use her for additional babysitting.
Have you had problems like this? Do you have other resources that would help parents find great babysitters? Talk about it in the comments below!
Scarsdale on Parade
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- Written by Joanne Wallenstein
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What could be more fun than Halloween ... especially Halloween in Scarsdale. The holiday got off to an early start on Sunday October 19th with window painting throughout the Village and a parade for the younger set.
Lange's Deli made a generous contribution of donuts, cider, cups and napkins for the parade - and refreshments were free for all.
The results of the window painting contest as well as pictures of the winning entries are announced in a separate feature on Scarsdale10583.
As you can see from these photos, everyone had a good time painting and posing in their costumes.
Photos by Trudy Zohn
Greenacres First Grader to Star in NYC Production of Number the Stars
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- Written by Joanne Wallenstein
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Greenacres Elementary School first grader Alyssa Marvin will star in the 25th Anniversary production of Lois Lowry's Newbery-Award winning novel, Number the Stars. Performances will run in Times Square at The Davenport Theatre from November 14-17. Alyssa will share the stage with veteran actors from all over the world.
Set in Denmark in 1943, the story is based on true events. When word got out in Denmark that Jews were to be relocated the Danish resistance, population and police arranged a small flotilla to bring 7,000 Jews to Sweden. The heroism of an entire nation reminds us that there was pride and human decency in the world even during a time of war.
Number the Stars is the story of two ten-year-old girls, Annemarie and Ellen, and the hardships they face while their country is occupied by German Nazis. When Annemarie makes the decision to go on a dangerous mission, she must find the strength and courage to save her best friend's life.
We spoke to Alyssa's mother, Lynne Marvin to find out more about Alyssa's burgeoning acting career. Here is what she shared:
Alyssa is six years old and is a first grader at Greenacres. This is her professional stage debut. She absolutely adores acting, singing, and dancing and there is no place she would rather be than on the stage. She will have appeared in twelve shows from last December through this December (mostly children's theater) and literally begs me to sign her up for anything she can audition for locally. Last December, she danced in The Nutcracker at SUNY Purchase. Since than, she has appeared in the Jungle Book, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (playing the role of Snow White), The Magical Land of Oz and Secret Garden at Random Farms Kids Theater and Tarzan, Frog & Toad and Glee! at the Westchester Sandbox Theater. She is also currently in rehearsals to play the role of Molly in Annie Warbucks at the Westchester Sandbox Theater December 19-21st and Buffalo Bill in Annie Get Your Gun at Random Farms Kids Theater. She studies voice and acting at Random Farms and dance at Scarsdale Ballet Studios and Studio B Dance. We knew she loved to perform when she used to toddle to the front of the class at Applause Westchester when she was little over one and do the songs and dances for everyone.
We learned about this role through her agent Mallory Levy at Generation TV (it was the first professional stage audition she was sent on by her). She attended an audition in the city with many other girls and was asked to return later for a callback to do another new scene with adults and children that were also called back. Since all the other girls were older at the audition, Alyssa and I went to a restaurant nearby for the fifty minutes in between so she could memorize the new scene she was given and prepare (since she's only six she likes to know her scenes really well so she doesn't have to worry about reading them). Each part of the audition was about an hour long and she did the scenes with other actors auditioning for different parts. She told me she had a great time at the audition- it was really her first time getting to audition with adult stage actors and she really was into it. She told me afterwards that all the women auditioning for the parts of the mothers were so amazing she didn't know how they would decide (she was really impressed.) We learned she got the part about two days later - I actually picked her up from her cooking club at school and spoke to her principal while I was waiting and she came with me to tell her the good news (it was really nice.) She was absolutely thrilled.
Alyssa is in almost every scene of the show and according to the count of the older girls in cast she has 88 lines, so there is a lot for her to memorize. We read scenes together every night she doesn't have rehearsal to practice, as well as on the way to the city for rehearsals so she can practice her lines. She started rehearsal about a week ago and is in the city 3-5 nights a week for rehearsals for 2-3 hours a night. She loves going to rehearsals, so even though we have had to rearrange all of our schedules and she has had to miss a lot of her other activities, she looks forward to them every day. The other girls in the show are wonderful- they've become great friends already- and she loves working with such an amazingly talented cast and director. We also read the book together in the four days between when rehearsals started and we found out she got the part.
When she's not busy on stage (which she says is her "number 1 favorite thing to do"), Alyssa is a typical active first grader and loves all sports! She is a competitive diver (a member of High Dive Champions and she dove and swam for Scarsdale this summer), cheerleader for Westchester Gymnastics All-Star team, loves to play soccer, softball, gymnastics, race, and play on the monkey bars.
Best of luck to Alyssa.
For more information visit www.NumbertheStarsNY.com.
Coping with Anxiety
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- Written by Joanne Wallenstein
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This article was contributed by Psychologist William Golden who is a member of the Westchester County Psychological Association:
We live in a time where there are many things that can scare us. Every day, we and our children are faced with stress, fears and worries. Some of the stressors are the day to day challenges such as those from work and school. But we are also bombarded on a daily basis by the media about threats from terrorists such as ISIS and diseases like Ebola. There is no escaping the stream of information flowing through the radio, TV and the internet that is guaranteed to scare even the bravest of us. There is also no way of insulating our children from the information that creeps into their consciousness through their smart phones and social media. What are we to do about all of this information overload? How can we cope with the anxiety that is produced by world events and the stresses of everyday life? There has been a great deal of progress made in the field of psychology on our understanding of stress and anxiety. There are now a number of psychological techniques that have been developed for treating anxiety.
First let's start with defining and identifying anxiety. Fear and worry cause anxiety. Anxiety is the emotional reaction that we experience when we perceive a threat or danger. The threat can be real, such as disease or terrorists. However the danger can be magnified such as a fear of getting Ebola from using a public bathroom. The threat can also be coming from within our own minds, such as a perceived threat to one's self-esteem as a result of losing a job or failing a test.
A good way to start to work on your fears and worries is to identify them. Worry is usually in the form of "What if?" An example of worry would be "what if I lose my job." Fear, on the other hand, tends to be more specific. An example of fear would be "I'll get Ebola from using a public bathroom." One way of dealing with fear and worry is through a reality check. Question the fear or worry. Is there any evidence that I am going to lose my job? What is the probability that I'll lose my job? You also can question the threat to your self-esteem. You don't become worthless as a result of losing your job or failing a test. You can only feel worthless if you believe you are worthless. You can question the logic of your thinking. Would you view your best friend as worthless if he or she became unemployed? Probably not, so why not treat yourself at least as well as you would treat a friend. Be kind to yourself. When you don't have to be afraid of you condemning yourself for mistakes and failures, then mistakes and failures become less scary. Ironically when you are less anxious about how you will do on the job or how you will do in school, then your mind is better focused, your concentration is better and you usually do better work, perform better on tests and in sports.
Another way of coping with anxiety is through problem solving. Problem solving involves 5 steps:
1) First identify the worry and define the problem - so for example, "What do I do if I lose my job?"
2) Next, "brainstorm" possible solutions to the problem – For example, "I could start looking for a job now, I could start working on my resume, I could start to network, I could start an online business, I could talk to a recruiter now, I could go for career counseling, I could collect unemployment, I could negotiate a termination package, etc.
3) Weigh the pros and cons of each alternative – Think about the advantages and disadvantages of each option, the possible consequences to yourself and to significant others and possible outcomes, as well as the likelihood of success of each alternative.
4) Select the best alternative or the best combination of alternatives - You don't have to select only one option. Frequently a combination of approaches will yield the best results.
5) Implement the action plan that you have developed. If unsuccessful, instead of giving up, renew your problem solving by starting to redefine the problem and brainstorm again. You probably will have new information and may be able to identify some new alternatives. Don't be afraid to ask other people you know and trust for their ideas. Sometimes another person can see an alternative that you missed.
You can even use a reality check to cope with anxiety about real physical dangers, such as a fear of terrorism and illness especially if the threat is based on misinformation. So what is the real risk of getting Ebola from using a bathroom or from being on the bus or train. You do not have to be an expert to do the reality check on worries about illnesses. Legitimate information is available. I am not a medical expert on Ebola, but I have listened to what the experts have said and written. Ebola is not airborne. You can only get it through direct contact with bodily fluids. So, we should have rational concern about using public bathrooms and wash our hands, instead of avoiding public bathrooms and public transportation out of fear. Avoidance is an attempt to run away from the threat or danger. The problem with avoidance is that it only gives you temporary relief, and in the long run, only makes matters worse, especially if the threat is based on misinformation or irrationality.
So what can we do to help our children cope with fear and anxiety? You might start by having them read this article, or share the information in it with them. Another good starting point is to encourage them to communicate their fears and anxieties. Just telling them to not worry is usually not helpful. Reality checks are different. A reality check involves accurate information and guidance. Problem solve with them. If there is a real problem what can they do about it? Teach them, and yourself, to be more self-accepting. We all make mistakes and we all risk failure in the process of pursuing success. We can learn from our mistakes and our failures. Less anxiety comes with greater self-acceptance.
There is a great deal more that can be said about coping with anxiety. For example there are relaxation and stress-management techniques that are very effective in reducing fear and anxiety. In this article, my intention was to introduce the reader to some of the basic tools for coping with anxiety. If further information about psychological services, or if professional help is needed, you can utilize the referral service of the Westchester County Psychological Association (WCPA). WCPA is an organization that is committed to furthering the development of psychology as a science and as a profession, in addition to safeguarding the interests of the public.
Disclaimer: Although Dr. Golden is a board member of the Westchester County Psychological Association (WCPA), the views in this article are his and not the views of WCPA.
